*and sometimes you get to dress like a cow and go skiing
Glancing back over the last year it’s easy to get lost in what is happening day to day. As my 31st marker of life quickly approaches, I like to remind myself of all that I have accomplished in this year. As if my current experiences in life are not enough to occupy my mind, I want to remember and honor what happened to me this last year and by normal standards, get excited over what new joys await next year. So where to begin?
I turned 30 without much hoopla. A nice dinner with my family in the midst of my comedown experience from traveling for almost two years. Even though some major traveling was about to commence days after my birthday I was already feeling the impending anxiety of deciding what to do after my travels ended. I can say with confidence that the biggest thing I learned this year was how to let go of “what I do” and to define myself by my being-ness. I got lost in the how’s of living my life and lost the end purpose. In the midst of an anxiety breakdown, fearful of how to ease back into society, I was gifted the clarity of an answer I had long known but resisted accepting: that I was a healer. This simple definition of my inner self would settle and define all the choices of the rest of my life. I finally had a metric by which to judge my choices in life and it was a rock solid one. I often council everyone I meet with a question. What is it that you do in every situation you find yourself in without thinking about it and without fail? The answer to this question could just lead you to what you are instead of what you do. I attest that everyone knows the answer to this question, but for whatever reasons, is not ready to accept it as their rock upon which to stand. I knew I was a healer for maybe 8 years and still hadn’t accepted it in reality. Of course I was afraid to push myself to embrace this definition and more importantly to try and make a living from this definition. That was my personal fear, perhaps yours will be different.
So four months after I began my thirties I had this new definition and promptly made a choice. I wanted to become a massage therapist. It was practical, it aligned with my definition, and I could make money at it; solving my greatest anxiety of how to survive. Three months from graduation at this point and I couldn’t be happier with this decision. It has changed me and my comfort about how I will go about a career and paying for my lifestyle. The fact that I am awesome at my job and love it, is just the natural outcome of lining up with my definition of being a healer. This is the how of my why.
Still in line with my definition of being a healer is my current project of becoming a meditation teacher. I’ve said I’ve wanted to do this for years but never got up and made anything happen. This was a year for moving closer to my authentic self and bringing it into form. From complete fear of how to do this, to now being weeks away from my first big class, I am amazed at the transformation. It may have taken a year to get going, but now that it’s here I couldn’t be happier. This in fact is my mission for the next year of life. To find a deeper and more practical expression of myself as a practicing healer. As the positive reinforcement continues to arrive and as the money begins to flow into my pockets, I can relax and smile that I am finally becoming the person I imagined myself to be for so many years. I still had to put the effort in, but actually practicing my definition of being “a healer” has made the biggest difference in my happiness.
Going to school for massage therapy broke my streak of avoiding winter and I missed a season with my meditation community in India. Despite being stuck in school for the winter I managed some travels this year. I started off with Costa Rica, then visited friends in Germany, road tripped in Iceland, more friends in Paris and finally Spain. I also visited some coastal states in the United States and had a brief but deep relationship with a powerful and beautiful woman who helped me grow in many ways.
I will be ending this year as I did the last in many ways. Right after my birthday I will be participating in the path of love. This intense and powerful process has changed me in so many ways for the better. Last time it was in Costa Rica, this time it will be in Seattle. To be able to help others along this process and to be reminded of the deep and profound shift that waking up your emotional body can do for your life has become one of my favorite things to participate in frequently. I am in need of a wake up call. Life is great admittedly, but without the depth of my meditation community and frequent meditation, a piece has gone back to sleep. Path of love and India are my wake up calls and I have both planned for next year.
As spring arrives so do my plans and excitement for life sprouting into being. So many things seem to be coming together after this long winter that I am almost overflowing with things to do. I am just managing this amount of energy, but every activity brings me more and more of everything. More confidence in my life path, more friends and loved ones into my life, more money, more art, and more beauty. This year has been transformational and in hindsight I am glad for the intense fear my thirties started with. Without that burning desire to discover something that would work best for my life I might never have made some of the decisions that I needed to make that finally got me started on this path. I know better now than to judge the hard parts of life because they really re align you with your true purpose. Embrace the challenges, and make the hard decisions, because there is a beautiful life waiting for you on the other side. Thank you to all the people who helped me along the way. For all the encouragement and hand holding and listening to my fears when I felt lost; your support was needed and crucial to helping me reach the happiness I enjoy today. Thank you thank you thank you.
Here’s to the rest of my thirties being even more amazing!