Path of Love: PachaMama

Welcome to the jungle!


Wild beasts, strange noises, burning heat, lethargy, fear, exploration of the unknown, sweat, tears, and breakthroughs. Yes I am talking about the inner landscape of the mind, which is strikingly similar to this beautiful Costa Rican backdrop. Another group of hungry seekers have descended upon PachaMama, an intentional spiritual community, to participate in The Path of Love. I have left the Asian tropics for the Central American tropics to staff this process and remind myself of the love and beautiful essence I carry in myself. Barely having time to integrate all the realizations I carry from my process in January, I am jumping into a strong remembering of the truth I hold so dear.
Having gotten a little lost in Bali and wishing to return to the truth of my essence, without the minds filtering and lies and masks, I have come to Costa Rica to touch that space again. I carry this truth with me, along with the presence of my ego, which seems to have grown several sizes since my PoL. It hasn’t really grown any bigger, just my awareness of its true size has become apparent. This is my challenge and my mastery: To overcome this harshest of critics and live my life from a place of love and gratitude. At times this takes an extreme physical effort to realize that not listening to the lies of the ego and comfortable habit patterns is the only way to continue moving forward and to inhabit all the beautiful joys of my life. Only this one barrier is left and could be with me in its many ways and forms and subtleties, quite possibly my whole life. I wish to find pleasure in not feeding my ego any more attention and to begin mastering the expansion of my life. This means facing my fears each day, being proactive rather than reactive, no excuses for laziness, and to find the passion for my life each day no matter how I feel or what I think. Choosing to move forward despite every anxiety and fear is the only choice that can heal this wound we all carry.
*Our beautiful group room & a sample of our vegan diet


Having the loving support of PoL members in which to share and deepen your search is the gift of being a staff or participant. The daily reminder of connecting and growing with a beautiful support system helps master the egos presence, which opens the space to find the courage to live your life according to your truth. Often times this very simple issue gets glossed over by the ego and the small truths that should be spoken are left silent. The compliments you wish to give, the hurts you wish to acknowledge, the small risks you could take, and all the times you could step out and be seen for who you are, are simply passed over and the opportunity to grow is missed. It is the courage to know and live your truth, moment to moment, no matter the costs that lets your unique light shine. So many things get in the way of this, particularly old habit patterns and the rules of society and politeness, but the truth is no less real. My whole work this week with the Path of Love came down to these two things. Stay awake, alive, juicy, and passionately on fire for my life while not listening to that liar of an inner judge called the ego. Practicing this, despite all the difficulties and unknowns, I can stay with my passionate self.

Courtesy of PachaMana and Ankati Day

I gleaned many wonderful experiences as a staff member, where our main job is to hold the space and be present for all the participants. This presence becomes a prayer and I know what angels must feel like. To silently watch a human being struggle through life, and lovingly remind them unceasingly and with great love that they are watched over, loved, taken care of, and going in the right direction. As I practiced this I had to laugh at the perfectness of this situation in reverse. I am always watched over, loved, guided, and cared for. Just as I couldn’t interfere with the participants directly, my Angels cannot interfere in my life. I must make my own choices, but I can trust. In that trust I can know God and silence and be happy without knowing where my journey ends. Choosing to live with ever present guidance rather than despair, struggle, or fear is certainly a more powerful choice to improve how I feel about facing the struggles and challenges of each day.


I once again have made many deep friendships and connections from across the world. New inspirations and resources in the quest to build a sustainable meditation community and hope that I can manifest it with loving effort. My partner Lindsay during the process became a dear friend and close confidant. She is on a similar path and is starting a small retreat center focusing on yoga, healing, and detox called Samara Soul Adventures. This was such a synchronicity and inspiration to me that I feel my idea is not so overwhelming, but that only the first step is the hardest. I found so much love and support from the staff and community in which we were living. PachaMama is a community based on self development, meditation, and sustainability, and living here has only added to my experience and trust in my own future. Many people here have their own retreat centers or healing practices and the more I travel the more I feel this idea I carry is spreading. One day small centers will just blossom around the world and everyone will be able to enjoy their local sustainable communities and transformational processes without traveling so far.

Courtesy of PachaMana

The finishing touch of this adventure was an all night forest fairy party. Tyohar, the spiritual leader of PachaMama, is also an accomplished DJ and nature photographer who wowed us for 17 hours of amazing rock music while the whole community danced and brought the jungle to life. Dressed as forest creatures, from children to well advanced souls, everyone dug deep and found the blissful energy to dance all through the night and into the next day. I personally had to find the energy and commitment to have fun rather than listen to my ego who clearly said we need sleep and to retreat from this environment because that’s what we do every other night. Of course I ignored it firmly and managed not only to stay awake for the party, but found so much energy that I continued on for many more hours, 36 in all before a nice night of sleep and arising again at 5 am with the sun for my morning routine of stretching and meditation. New friends were made this night and other relationships deepened. The connections of community and oneness were shared amongst all, in the spirit of dance and love. I can’t imagine a more amazing experience to finish this already powerful process.
I leave PachaMama with a full heart. One of deep gratitude and joy, but also sadness and longing. To honor the sadness of leaving such deep connections is just as real as the joy of having met in the first place. Thankfully we live in an international world with the convenience of technology and ease of travel. Deepening into the heart, I only find more and more to love in this world and those with whom to share it. May you find your own path of love or just enjoy this wonderful process for all the jewels it can bestow into your life. May Gods blessing and the passion of life be with you always.




Visit PachaMana yourself and experience the transformation firsthand!
They have many different programs and classes to choose from, including Path of Love.


Finding Balance In Bali


Swooping into Bali on the eve of Nyepi, Balinese new year and day of silence, the streets are packed with revelers, smiling faces, singing and loud noise crackers. Crews from local temples have hoisted large daemon statues into the air and are parading on every street corner. For the typically laid back, relaxed Balinese people I would come to know, this was quite the extraordinary celebration. Waking up the next day and being legally required to stay in your home compound and relax, I slowly tasted this new setting.


It’s a strange feeling to arrive in the tropical paradise of Bali and receive the knowing that after two years of spiritual journeying the desire to travel is finished. The universe has been mysteriously pulling me towards Bali for over a year now, without a promise of why, but a knowing that something was waiting for me. I have arrived and suddenly I want to run away, I am anxious and scared, and beginning an existential crisis. I want solitude and warm clothes and a cup of hot tea. That is not your typical response to landing in the lush garden of Bali, but for me will be a critical turning point in my inner world.
After the solid support of India’s meditation, and meeting daily with enlightened masters, I find myself adrift in the laid back waters of this tropical paradise. With smiles and yoga, raw juice and food, techno nomads and water sports at every turn, I find this life of leisure a boring routine after so many months on the road. It’s a beautiful picture of a daily world, but I am lost and must be found. My ego must answer a new question that has been building in me: “Who am I and what am I going to do in this life?” Suddenly the question of practical life has reared it’s head in asking the most fundamental questions. What do I want to do to support myself? What skills do I actually have? Can I take my dreams and ideas and do something practical about them?
I am living in a beautiful villa courtesy of my new friend Salvador. The wildly charismatic, successful, Ashtonga yogi, and restaurant builder from Los Angeles whom I met in India. He is living a perfect balance of work and play, and is an example to me in this difficult time. After slowing down an 80 hour a week restaurant life to balance his spiritual practice and work, he is flowing in the universal juices more than ever. Watching him navigate new business ideas and deals from conception to reality, making friends with yogis and strangers in cafés, and absorbing the meditation world of Osho, I’ve seen levels of synchronicity I’ve forgotten existed. It’s all just a reminder to trust more deeply, that energy flows, to live a life that you love, and embrace yourself in the mystery of existence.
It’s hard to know the full impact my new mentor in business will make on my life, but I know that my ego took a rough couple weeks of beating before I found my balance. It’s safe to say that I’ve been living a life focused only on my inner work for the last two years. Suddenly living in this new energy of business, practical life, meditation, and creation begged me to answer the question of what do I really want to build in my life and can I overcome the fear to actually do it? The rhetoric answer has always been my sustainable meditation community and my mind fed this back to me in one hundred different ways. Despite the fact that I don’t think I have the skills needed at this moment to accomplish this entire task, I was counting on my desire and inner knowing to pull me through. I was trying to answer the question of how to do this all in my head. Plans, figures and resources needed, locations and promotional success and again and again I was driving myself into a hole of pressure and trying to answer a question that couldn’t be answered without action.


This is the quality of the ego my friends. It will take you to the depths of despair, uncertainty, and fear so that it can maintain it’s power and keep you from living the fullness of your life. Despite battling this exact scenario and foe on many occasions, it still gets the better of me from time to time. You have to let it all go. You have to trust yourself and life. And above all else you have to stop trying to answer unanswerable questions. There is an answer of course in your heart, but never in the vicious circle in your own mind.
I finally managed with the help of some outside observers and patient support to settle down and put these mental questions aside. I began slowly to focus on the present moment and support myself with positive self talk, meditation, and simple daily goals. Most importantly I just stopped trying to answer these very dear and important questions when they popped up. Wouldn’t you know that a few days later I was calmed down. I could see the beauty of Bali and I could enjoy my life again. I could find my center and my authentic longing to live life once again. I could find my prayer, and my love, so that I could express my unique presence in each activity I did no matter how small. From this place, all those important questions seem so easy and simple. A matter of one foot In front of the other and remembering this is the most important remembering one can have.
I see many people wrestling with this one issue of trying to answer some deep inner question and never finding the answer. Osho has taught me that there is no answer, but the task is to take away the question. The heart deals with how to love and express and experience life. From this place there are no problematic questions as such. There are questions like how can I be in more gratitude, how can I feel the depths and heights of this human life, how can I better serve humanity, how can I be one with the universe, God, and love? These are also unanswerable questions, but the quality is instead a deepening and expanding of the life force. It makes you feel good to wonder these things. Alternatively trying to answer, what to do, am I good enough, and can I trust I’ll be taken care of deplete this vital source of happiness and energy to the point we fall asleep in life and forget the beauty that surrounds us.
As I woke up myself, I woke up to Bali. The food was better tasting, the people more loving, the whole situation was a pleasure to find myself in. I promptly took a vacation to the beach to surf and scuba for a few days. Out of the hustle of Ubud and the entrepreneurs, I finally relaxed into beach life and the beautiful meditation that is scuba diving. Spending my mornings exploring a vast, mesmerizing, alien world while floating in three dimensions is nothing short of meditation. Breath in, breath out, float up, float down, repeat. In those depths I found myself again and my efforts of centering were only growing more and more. I suddenly had three days left in Bali and the beauty had just found my heart.
*Courtesy of Carolyn McDonough
Perhaps it is knowing that something is going to end that helps make it all the more beautiful. We could cling instead to what is departing and suffer the inevitable outcome or embrace the fleeting beauty of experience. My ego has a pattern that has become quite familiar to me when it is time to leave a place. It tries to have every good experience again squeezed into just the final days. This is most often expressed by trying to eat every delicious food I know of. Such a silly idea because you just create a belly ache and then none of the food tastes good anymore. This is the egos way of trying to have everything, and in reality keeping you from accomplishing anything.  I’ve settled on going completely against this notion and try to have an entirely new day of experiences on my last day. New experiences are ultimately the only kind of experience we can have and any attempt at repeating one is met sadly with lackluster results.
Salvador, Maria, new friend Jamie, and myself took a beautiful morning ride through Bali’s rice fields and palm trees to say goodbye to beloved yogi friends and master teachers. Followed by a trip to puri nugong kawi to sample the meditation caves of monks long past. Our real goal was the secret waterfall behind the temple where we plunge into the cold waters on this bright morning and feel the power of nature and come alive in her magnificence.
My favorite experience it turns out is the Balinese water temple. You take a prayer Into the waters and before the twelve holy spouts you dunk your head and cleanse your heart. With each successful cleansing the prayer gets deeper and deeper. More longing and truth come out and you end up with the most beautiful process of cleansing your heart and knowing you are one with God. All the things you want, all that you are grateful for, all the love you wish to experience has been felt in that cold rush of holy water. Cold and wet, but perfectly happy, I can feel why ceremony is so important to the Balinese lifestyle.
We finish this spectacular last day with a long planned visit to mosaic. The most expensive restaurant on Bali and one of the best restaurants of south east Asia. While only moderately priced for western standards, this meal blows me away. Over 40 people have a hand in each dish, with expert execution and an emphasis on local flavors, this is easily one of the best meals of my life. Each plate has so many perfectly balanced elements to delight the senses I am in awe of how much effort went into each plate and there will be ten of them, for each of us, depending on our dietary preferences.
During this meal a strange thing occurred, but of course was orchestrated by the universe for my benefit. Having 12 people, we were split into two tables and my preference was to sit with my new friends and a particularly interesting gentleman with sufi background that I wished to know better. As such, it turned out I would sit with Maria, Sal, and three new friends, two of whom are from Kansas City. Small talk was polite and semi interesting, but the bomb came when Maria and I finally had a talk about our time spent here and the energetic issues we could never quite talk about with any depth. Often times you need a friend or even stranger to help you see the patterns which are obvious to an outsider yet oblivious to yourself. Thus the crux of my reason for being in Bali was made known to me.


I don’t know what the center of my power and identity of self is. Maria, thankfully a master in her own sense of identity, let the axe fall so to speak and gave me a strong dose of truth. It takes a strong person to deliver that kind of truth and be comfortable doing so. It is true that when I arrived in Bali I could not find my support, the base on which I could stand and be relaxed in my self. In India, Osho holds that place of support which I now understand more fully why I feel so comfortable there. This lesson is about being out in the world and finding my own inner support that doesn’t waver. Maria needed support as well and when we turned to each other in Bali and couldn’t support the other, problems arose. Our mutual support turned out to be Salvador who was a rock of joy and enthusiasm for living life each day in paradise. While I was struggling to find myself and battling my ego I did learn a few things.
Trying to answer a question in your head, for example brooding about something, is useless as the answer cannot exist there. If it did, you would have answered it, but since it isn’t, that is the egos way of running you in a circle to assert its importance and generally just tire you out. Remedy; put aside that thought entirely and replace it with action or positive self talk or prayer.


Laziness comes in many forms. If you cannot constantly apply yourself in your own life, slowly a type of sleep begins to master parts of your life. I was living more in thoughts and dreams than being active in creating the life I wanted. I needed to be more myself and take some risks. For fear of upsetting another person or some imagined status quo, I lazily placated myself and everyone by being “the good boy”. Sometimes you just have to stir the pot and be a bit crazy; upset some people, say something daring, be exciting. There is no need to be mean, but without poking people or yourself at times, you become lazy to your own growth and fall asleep.
What is your base of support and are you in control of it? I mean, is your base located inside or outside of yourself. Mine has been an external support, that of meditation and community. To bring that locus of control inside, to an internal support is a self growth exercise. Finding out what you can stand on is vital to branching out while being in your authentic power. This is where the confidence to support yourself, emotionally, spiritually, and materially comes into play. With that deep knowing, you are able to rest in your natural self and apply yourself in any endeavor.


I have struggled with this area of personal identity. With so much meditation and letting go of attachments, my cunning ego also found ways to exist with this new spiritual mindset. When you let go of excitement, curiosity, wonder, preferences, new ideas, and expansion, you begin to live a flat life, not a real life of non-attachment. Non attachment is a very positive state, you can delight in all things, especially the small things. Somewhere I forgot this state of being. The spiritual journey is full of dangers without any guarantee of being found. Which makes the process of being found such a wonderful experience. The more I wake up to the fact I was sleeping, the more I enjoy my own process of waking up.
That is the whole trick I believe. Once you start on the road of waking up one step at a time, everything will find its own place. Allow the beauty to be your focus and put all the concerns of the mind to the side. Bali was a wake up call, ripe with hidden teachers and lessons. It doesn’t take traveling halfway across the planet to learn these lessons, you can wake up to your life right where you are. It takes a little focus, it takes a little effort, and in the end you keep taking it one step at a time.
Bali was about finding balance between the internal and the external. It started a new dialogue that will move me along the path. I am thankful to all the teachers and strangers who stepped on my path to show me the way. Those that help remind me to keep waking up, to keep moving forward, to keep shining my own beautiful light, because one day I will realize myself and that will make all the difference.


Many blessings to you and your journey. May you find your way happily.


India, The Meditation Experience

Welcome to Travels in India: Meditation and the Crazy Enlightened Mystic, Osho


If you are going to learn one thing at the OSHO International Meditation Resort, it is going to be dancing.  Wild, ecstatic, flowing, celebrating, at all hours of the day, dancing is happening, begging for your participation.  The lesson here being, if you can celebrate life and dance, then you are alive in the moment. Most dynamic meditations here contain some form of dancing and the highlight of the day, evening meeting, begins and ends with dancing.  Osho created these meditations to help people create space between the body/mind and your watcher, otherwise known as your intrinsic Buddha.  With this space, one may experience their authentic nature, of silence, happiness, and being centered.  One does not need to go anywhere, only turning in, realizing your own self, taking just one step and you are there.  We practice the art of living, to see our habit patterns and how to live with our watcher intact.  This creates the gap, the experiential wisdom of knowing you are not the body or the mind, and thus transformation, inspiration, and all sorts of emotions can come forth and leave you feeling peaceful, happy, and above all else, alive.


I jumped into resort life with both feet, 8 months prior to arriving, when I decided this was the decision that would help me quit my job and give me the next step.  I had no idea what really went on here, and I wanted no information either.  To come with the least amount of expectations so that I could experience what is, instead of what I wanted it to be in my mind.  The first hurdle for my self transformation was actually getting the desire to go to India.  My fears of this famous country, known for meditation, always held me back, but they were unfounded. There is extreme poverty and trash everywhere, but also beautiful landscapes, perfect temperatures, many smiles and friendly people.  I decided to join the Work as Meditation program for 90 days and just give it the best go.  I work for 6 hours a day to receive a lowered price at the resort and be part of the staff.  Like everyone else here, visitor, worker, and teacher alike, we all pay to be present and experience the magic of this place.  This was the first hurdle for my western mind, I am paying to work. I can rationalize it, knowing I also get to live at a resort and meditate the rest of my day, but money, money, money were my thoughts.  Of course this is part of the work as meditation purpose, to watch your mind, and my mind couldn’t stop calculating prices and value. For the first days I was plagued with these kinds of thoughts, trying to turn this beautiful experience into dollars per hour.  In the end, relaxing into the  daily life of work and meditation healed me of all these woes and the real priceless value came shining through.


The greatest realization I’ve had during my visit here is what living in a community of meditators feels like.  Beforehand, I didn’t even realize that I would be practicing part of my future way of life while being here, and what ive found confirms my beliefs: This is the lifestyle for me.  Unlike daily life in the modern world, everyone here understands the basic principal on which we all operate.  It matters not where you come from, what you believe, or even what you know; everyone understands that we are all developing ourselves.  If you are having an expressive joyous day, someone is there to support and join you.  If you are having a silent day and really working on something personal, everyone allows you your space to discover yourself.  It is a unique experience to know who is here, but never know if and how you can interact with them each day.  Perhaps you had plans for lunch, but you find your friends are all wearing silence badges on that day without telling you.  You really learn to focus on yourself, on being total in expressing yourself and your desires, moment to moment.  Every day brings something new and you practice not planning for the future or some daily habit pattern.  Even though I work 6 hours a day, I can’t tell you with any certainty what the day will bring me.  Often I am roped into something fun, there is a taster class to attend, lunch with different people, and the best part is that I never know how I will feel when I wake up, but whatever that feeling is, I have all day to fully express it, because tomorrow it will change.  There have been days of laughter and days of silence, days of peaceful awareness and days of rushed anxiety.  Learning to really embrace whatever shows up, in work, in friendship, in community, and in your heart is the root of the biggest realization here.  I know now that living in this way, from moment to moment with a group of people who all desire at the basic level to develop themselves is the answer to what I am looking for in a lifestyle.


The next major realization is the new meditation techniques I have been practicing here.  Having done mainly silent sitting meditations over the last 2 years, I was in for a shock at the OSHO Resort.  Osho created many meditations and meditative therapies, but the 3 daily core meditations are Dynamic*, Kundalini**, and Evening meeting***.  I had just finished a 10 day silent Vipassana course before arriving here and I couldn’t have prepared for a more abrupt 180 degree turn.  The meditations here are designed to do what Vipassana does slowly and with awareness, abruptly and directly.  What I learned and discovered is that both techniques use one basic principal: The body sensations and the sub-conscious mind are linked.  If you feel something coming up from the sub-conscious you will feel it in your body, and if you feel something on your body it will go into your subconscious. This is called the bodymind, which is one thing, not two separate things.  This explains the celebratory dancing here.  If your dance is a celebration, your inner being becomes a celebration.  Dance when you don’t feel like it.  Smile when you don’t feel like it.  This will change your inner being. I stopped a 2 year practice of daily silent sitting to see what being total in this experience could give me.  What I found is that the meditations which often look like exercise or wild dancing, if you peek from your blindfold, are actually deeply working processes transforming the inner world.  Learning to express yourself in Dynamic though wild catharsis, starts to break down the walls of suppression in a quick and real way that transforms many people instantly.  I feel that if I have learned one thing in the physical realm it is how to express myself better.  This doesn’t mean just through my words, this means expressing my authentic inner self in all dimensions.  If anger is there, if happiness is there, sadness, laughter, joy, tears, anxiety is there, express it, look at it, examine it, but just don’t suppress it.  So often in our society we learn from childhood to present ourselves in a certain way, to create a personality.  We are not allowed to yell at other people and then be friends again the next moment; or to laugh or cry when we feel the urge, but society deems it inappropriate. The need to express is still very real, but we just tuck it away for later.  But later never comes and years later you find yourself a mess of confusion and emotions with no exit valve.  This whole experience is learning your natural exhaust valve and how to come back to your authentic self.  To see your conditioning given to you by society and family and choose consciously what you want to carry and what you want to drop.  I struggled at first with dropping my silence, and habit pattern for the last 2 years, but quickly learned that I didn’t know how to really express my true emotions.  Silence is fantastic, but it needs to be balanced against emotional aliveness.  Osho taught a mixture of “Zorba the Buddha”.  Zorba the Greek knew how to enjoy the pleasures of life, and Buddha knew how to enjoy the silence of your eternal centeredness.  Osho teaches that both are incomplete, both need each other in one being, that is the whole Man/Woman.


The next realizations are all a mix of personal work done though the lens of being at a Meditation Retreat.  Every day is a day to work on yourself; every moment and interaction is a time to develop yourself.  As long as you keep looking back at yourself and embracing any uncomfortable feelings, progress is astounding.  At first I started manifesting connections to people, to make some friends and have conversations around meditation.  As I found my first friends and began feeling very comfortable and available to open myself, I then decided to manifest more experiences containing flirting.  I had been in a state of introverted silence so long that to think about flirting with anyone, was something I actually needed to work on. I didn’t want anything other than fun, playful, cute, and connected flirting and for this reason the manifestation was fully welcomed and explored.  All the cute ladies, older women, and male friends flocked to my new desire instantly and hugs and kisses abounded.  To feel loved every time you encounter someone just makes your day.  The quality of flirting with people and life itself is such a beautiful experience that to carry this quality of aliveness with you is a blessing and a gift.  Then New Years arrived and things changed.  While I was holding my energy and desire clearly, the effect on others was not so contained.  So from my fears of moving into a sexual relationship, a wonderful Chinese girl by the name of Sangeetam became my partner. We moved seamlessly into relationship as if this had been arranged.  It had been a long standing intention to manifest a partner in which to grow meditatively and lovingly.  I knew something was arranged for me at the OSHO Resort, and I can clearly say this was it.  We met with the same kinds of knowing about meditation and relationships, understanding we are both here to work on ourselves and see how we can develop.  The precipice of our bond was not physical attraction, but the calm knowing of two quiet souls meeting and knowing this was not the first time. What came next was an expedition into the fears I hold around relationship, boundaries, responsibility, and most importantly opening to love.


Ah, relationships, I can’t even say I know what I am doing because I don’t.  Generally my relationships last a few months with wonderful growth which then leaves someone behind who didn’t continue to grow fast enough. As I’ve gotten older, navigating the entry and exit has become much smoother with both people knowing our purpose was completed. However, my knowing of love is only from what the masters have said on the subject.  That you can only love yourself, and when that becomes enough you overflow into the world and can shower it on another.  I know this to be true, because when I am in flow with the universe it is a state of grace that I can hold for myself and share with others.  To be honest, i have never felt that I’ve known love growing up.  I look at other relationships and I see what society tells me should be love and know that this has not been my experience. I am working on opening my emotional body and heart because I didn’t know how to be open, and thus, never could give myself totally.  I could act totally, and DO things for the other that looked like what society told everyone lovers should do, but actually feeling it?  I can’t say that except for a few moments in my life, I’ve felt the totality of LOVE.  Love, which is this overwhelming merging of being one with the universe so totally that you forget yourself and know instantly that all is one, life is perfect and then you shower that bliss of existence on all.  I have been plenty good and happy with people, even overcome with great joy and caring. I have even felt that something special you reserve for your intimate lover, but this actual truth of Love that the masters speak about, I have to admit I don’t know it, and ive never been shown it.  In knowing that fact, I can at least now invite the experience to come to me as a realization and a breakthrough.  As I work on myself, clearing the old debris of fear, I am making way for love to come through me and to experience whatever shows up.



From my moment to moment perspective this seems to be the major work for me here.  Nothing else seems quite so hard, quite so big, or quite so rewarding.  I have opened myself to a mixture of meditation and celebration, that was needed, but the deep work of opening my heart will be the greatest gift I can give myself here.  Being in a relationship I have been given the perfect opportunity and partner to show me my weaknesses and also support me through my rapid growth in this area.  I can clearly see the fears in my mind and instead of putting them aside and letting the relationship ultimately suffer and die, I face the uncomfortable feelings and embrace the work of changing and facing my fears and old patterns.  I have seen clearly now that I have never let anyone into my emotional world before.  This is partly because I don’t know how to go there myself and partly because ive been lied to and kept that lie as the truth.  Due to my upbringing I never experienced what the energy of a relationship between two people really feels like.  My parents divorced when I was 6 and this began a subconscious learning process of individuation that just happened to be for this lifetime.  No blame to be dealt, everyone grows up in certain conditions, whether from family or society that we don’t get to control, but we do get to choose if we wish to carry it once we become conscious of the patterns.  I am aware that my relationship patterning was flawed, only seeing separation and becoming an island unto myself. I kept expressing the same lie of separation over and over again, telling myself that this is just how I am and my authentic emotional connection to people was just missing.  Well, now thanks to this patient and strong woman, I can look at that patterning and instead of accepting this pattern as my natural way of being, I can drop it and see what lives underneath.  As I keep stirring the pot each morning in dynamic, I can feel the layers peeling off.  What is beginning to shine through feels so big, so exciting, so much needed, and I am ready to welcome whatever it is.  I am beginning to feel into my heart space, I am becoming softer, and while I am nowhere near the end, I have at least started the process of something I have long questioned and long desired.


I have been hugely aided in this endeavor of self realization.  Firstly, the energy of this place pushes personal growth forward at an accelerated pace. The encounters with other meditators and adhering to a daily schedule of meditation aids in the quick pace of self realization. In my own energy work, I’ve begun to work with some masters by accessing a place called the Akashic Records.  This can be thought of as a giant book of everything ever done from every lifetime.  In a sense it is very much like collective consciousness.  In this way I have called upon the energies of Osho and Rumi, along with other masters as I see the need, and have access to their essence and energy which still exists in a very tangible way for me and the universe.  Having opened their essence, they are with me through this work and Rumi is teaching me how to be transformed by love, while OSHO is working with me to realize and clear the layers of fear and conditioning that are not part of my authentic being.  In conjunction with this I have set a new intention for my daily experience, “I intend to constantly bring realizations and new understandings to myself”.  I had a realization that I cannot manifest or intend an experience I have never known into my reality.  For instance I cannot intend the experience of enlightenment to show up tomorrow, because I don’t know what the experience is like; therefore when I ask for it, I really don’t know what I am asking for.  However I do know what the experience of instant realization or insight feels like.  This I can totally ask for, and since I have been asking for it, realizations have started showing up every day.  In this way I can reach enlightenment or many other things on the way as I progress from the known into the unknown.  So working from these three angles, this meditative environment, the wisdom and energy of the Masters, and my intention for instant realization I am reaching a new level of self development that is astonishing.  It is exciting to look at yourself and realize all of a sudden that whole aspects of your self have been hidden and with a little work the door can be opened for discovery.  It is an exciting time to be a meditator.


Thankfully during my visit to the resort I was able to meet and touch the lives of many people visiting from over 100 different nations. Every type of person from around the world and with many different backgrounds and stories arrived each day to try this wild place and experience first hand the crazy genius of Osho. I would love to recommend a visit to every person I meet, but the truth is that there are many pathways to the divine and I only urge each person to find what works for them.  Keep a burning desire to find your truth and discovering the path is inevitable. I have been transformed by this place and my experiences over the last three months.  Thankfully I am also happy to call this place and the people here my home. I will be back many times and soon, because having tasted once again the daily lifestyle of the old routine, living in a city and just going about ones daily business, I can clearly say that I would rather not waste another moment being outside of the delicious process of developing oneself surrounded by the most astounding people and environment that one can call home. A truth has been learned and can never be forgotten. I thrive in an environment of conscious meditators and now starts the long road of developing a sustainable lifestyle that enjoys this connection as its core. Blessings and happiness to all beings and may you find your own light that never falters.


In Love and Truth,

Torey, the Wandering Monk




*I got to be the official photographer for a while!

*Dynamic Meditation: 1 Hour, 5 Stages

Stage 1: 10 Mins: Deep, chaotic exhaling breaths, building energy. Stage 2: 10 Mins: Explode! let your body and emotions take over and express anything that you feel. Sing, shout, dance, cry, roll around anything that you feel. Stage 3: 10 Mins: Jump up and down with arms raised overhead shouting “Hoo” each time your feet strike the ground. Stage 4: 15 Mins: Freeze! Dont make any conscious movement. Witness your inner world. Stage 5: 15 Mins: Dance. Express anything that is left and carry your aliveness with you for the rest of the day.

**Kundalini Meditation: 1 Hour, 4 Stages

Stage 1: 15 Mins: Shake. Allow your body to vibrate and shake with the energy coming up from your feet.  Allow this natural shaking to occur, dont DO anything. Stage 2: 15 Mins: Dance. Allow your body to dance and move anyway it feels.  Dont Do any particular dancing. Stage 3: 15 mins:  Stand or sit silently and just watch your inner world. Stage 4: 15 Mins: Lie down and let go. Maintain awareness, but dont do anything, just allow.

**Evening Meeting: Various time, roughly 2 hours, 6 Stages

Stage 1: 20 Mins: Dance by yourself and celebrate life. Stage 2: 1 hour +: Listen to a discourse from Osho. Listen to the gaps between the words, not the words themselves. Anything you need to hear you will pick up on. Stage 3: 5 Mins: Laughter. Osho will tell some jokes, enjoy! Stage 4: 2 Mins: Gibberish. Speak in a language you dont know to clear your mind of rubbish. Stage 5: 10 Mins: Let go. Osho will guide you deeper into yourself to find your buddha. At one point you will “Let go” and fall over dead like a tree falling in the woods. Stage 6: 3-5 Mins: Dance and celebrate being alive.


Divine encounters and workaway

There is a great opportunity going on in the world and I would not like anyone to miss it. Volunteer your time around the world doing various work experiences and earn a free place to stay and food to eat. Sound like a good trade? It did to me, and I have gained more than I expected. In my three years of travel around the world I plan to utilize this method to extend my time and experiences in the world while costing me only travel expenses.  Experiences fall mostly into the gardening work, nannying, or handy man type, but can vary into marine biology scuba diving  and chocolate making. For five hours a day you get a wonderful experience and can really take time to explore the local culture.  You also get the added benefit of living with a family and can practice another language.         France house
Getting started on my first experience was difficult in the sense that I couldn’t decide where I wanted to apply to. There were so many opportunities in France alone, I could hardly decide on one to add to my travels, so I didn’t. However, once I had traveled for two months, I was ready for some quiet life and being in touch with nature.  I looked up some hosts again and one immediately popped out. Close to Lourdes France where I wanted to visit, was a couple who had retired from running a spiritual retreat and needed a bit of help in the garden. Not more than 10 minutes after sending an email, I had a reply and a destination, where once was only the open road. The universe had stepped in and answered my request in full.
I spent 20 hours on various trains over two days traveling from eastern Italy to western France. On the mid point in Nice, my roommate for the night was Chris, the first traveler I’ve met on a two year journey traveling this volunteer lifestyle. He had just finished work on a vineyard harvesting grapes and learning about making wine. Admittedly hard work, but he had loved it. A teacher and chef, on break from working life, sitting in my room to encourage me on the eve of my first experience. The universal positioning of this meeting is incalculable, and thus is a perfect sign that I am exactly where I need to be at this moment. We hit it off and swapped stories about how great traveling like this is and our perfect encounter. I pull myself away to visit the ocean, watch the stars and love how perfect life is right at this moment. I am reminded that I asked for all this and I am grateful to recognize its arrival. Watching it unfold, having let the universe drop all the physical pieces into place, even I couldn’t have written such a perfect script.
 me and david
The moment I meet David at the train station and step foot into their lives, I know this meeting was scheduled. It looks like I am here to help with the garden, but I am really here to meet David and his wife Mo. When a complete stranger steps into your life there is usually a small or rather large adjustment period. No such thing was present, I seamlessly stepped into daily life as if a son coming home for holiday.  A wonderful life of gratitude, blessings, mutual understanding, spiritual work, and work in the garden awaited me. It seemed to be that a gathering, lunch, party, or other event was always happening and that I had come at the perfect time to enjoy the last of an Indian summer and meet this wonderful group of people. For what I consider a small French town, I was amazed at the diversity of interesting people and English speakers living here.
 France garden
We started our days with family breakfast and a blessing over our meal. Then proceeded to read a chapter from “A Course in Miracles”, followed by a group hug, which officially began our day. Garden work and large lunches were the theme. Mo is a potter and I got to see the kiln be fired twice. She started her spiritual journey in India by jumping in the deep end. Joining an ashram and shaving her head, she experienced her transformation moment to moment and it gives me great excitement to hear her stories. David does wonderful work with wood and examples of both their works adorn the property.  Before retiring from their spiritual retreat they taught sacred geometry and the flower of life courses. David and I broach a wide variety of spiritual topics and conversations about the spiritual journey which keep us up most nights with eager enthusiasm.
David’s spiritual path looks so similar to mine it almost stuns me in the simplicity of story line. Young man becomes disillusioned with life prescribed by society, seeks spiritual path, is called to start a center and teach from the heart, lives this way and finds great peace and joy. David is the first male role model in my life to have done anything similar to what I am trying to attempt. From the general vibe of daily life and being 40 years my senior I am in for a wonderful ride. The fluidity of changing minds is so much easier today than it was 40 years ago. I can only guess at what leaps of consciousness and love can be achieved during my lifetime. It is such a pleasurable thought to have been called to this path, and while I don’t know the particulars of how my story will unfold, I trust in the same source that brought me this far, and to this experience, to provide the rest of the amazing story line.
 Vesica Pisces from Space
*A 55 foot Vesica Pisces cut into their grass as seen from satellite, sacred geometry
David’s passion is the theme of sacred geometry, in that all of life is connected. After having been exposed to the material it is quite amazing how all of life comes out of this simple and powerful principal. From plants and flowers to fertilized eggs, all of life works with these principals and follows the patterns of sacred geometry. There is also a meditation associated with this knowledge that sets up an energy field around you so that you may interact and experience your connection to the oneness of life. It may just be that I arrived here under such perfect conditions just to learn this one thing, but I would say that I learned and experienced so much more.
 france garden 2
The loving compassion in which David and Mo welcomed me into their lives and shared all that they have goes beyond words. The pure feeling of waking up each day, knowing that I was taken care of like a young child with loving parents is indescribable. I have been working hard to allow myself to be taken care of, whether by friends, strangers, or the universe itself. I have always been happy to take care of others and in the end I turned it into a shield against experiencing the same in return. To return to the knowing and feeling of being totally safe and with loved ones is a remembering of our true nature. We are always taken care of and this flow comes to us unrelenting and in abundance if we but learn to allow it. The shape and circumstances may always be different, but with the loving intention to flow with life, is to experience the love of life. I will be forever thankful for this gift and seek to be an example of it so that others may know this feeling.
 castle kitchen
The coincidences during my stay are beyond number, but one must be mentioned. I got to visit a real chateau and was amazed in the beauty and charm this building, older than the United States itself, held in its walls. During lunch in the village though, everyone greets fellow customers, and I made the acquaintance of Robin, a local healer and I am sure a very interesting person. In our short 3 minute introduction he gave me a litany of recommendations for India and offered to put me up in a house of his in northern India inhabited by Tibetans. I just have to laugh at how easily opportunities show up where available to help you along. It had been my strong and hourly intention to bring amazing experiences, people, music, resources, and food into my life. Of course it’s going to show up and sometimes what looks like a dramatic and wild offering seems simply perfect from one seeker to another. Releasing the resistance to universal source showing up in your life allows strangers to offer you what you desire. Only a short time ago this scenario might have been met with hesitation from myself, but I am in gratitude that I am evolving into a receiver of the intentions I make no matter what form they arrive in.
 mo and dacid
10 days have disappeared in a blink and yet each moment was lived fully and with great joy. I have a day at Lourdes for prayer and meditation, followed by my second Vipassana course and then off to India. As David confirmed, I am not going to India to learn anything, just to experience a way of living so that I may better manifest into my life that which brings the greatest joy. You reach a point where you don’t need to learn anything anymore. At first you pass a stage of gathering as much information as possible. Everything is novel and excites that deep place of knowing within you that recognizes truth. Another stage arrives where one goes quiet and must practice and experience this knowing. When something is needed you will know it when it is needed or be led to the knowing. One need not strive anymore to gather knowledge around oneself, but understands that all things  show up at exactly the right moment. I am entering this stage and I must say from the few experiences of this principal, it is true and beyond amazing. The stuff magic and dreams are made of, but accessible at every moment. We truly live in a miraculous reality
 france barn
I finish my experience in southern France with my trip to Lourdes. This was the source that set the previous experiences into motion and it doesn’t fail to delight either. Upon reaching the church grounds I can already feel my vibration raising to the level of healing. Old patterns forcing their way to the surface to flee this pureness. I arrive at mass and participate, even taking the body of Christ as I learned as a child. A symbolic act of aligning with the vibration of experience. I meditate and pray for around two hours as peoples faces and words of blessing form easily in my mind. I am alone in this great cathedral and the silence is amazing. I explore my interior space as well in light of my new merkaba energy field that is energizing me and my intentions.
On my break I stroll the grounds and find that the grey rain clouds have turned to sunny blues. How many times will I write about such experiences before they begin to bore my readers I wonder? I find the famous grotto with the healing spring. I pay my respects with the few others here on this perfect fall day. I then wash my face, jewelry, and fill my bottles with this holy water. It tastes fresh and crisp when I bring it to my lips and radiates a pleasant vibration from my stomach. I continue my leisurely stroll sipping holy water and relaxing into the peace of mind and body I have come to know as my daily experience. As my vibration continues to rise to match this water, I am healed. Healing being a state of being that expresses itself without resistance. I watch as little unconscious thoughts or habits come to the surface and are washed away without a second thought. Just being here is enough, the experience of a higher vibration is the healing, and above all else I choose to see things differently. Bless you all and may you find your way to perfect peace and harmony.
 france buddha
Resources for traveling:
Woofing: only for organic farming


The Start of a Quest

Its not often that you know you are taking your first steps on a quest.  Usually you suddenly become aware after sometime that is has just happened and you are walking a path to your dreams.  When I locked the door for the last time with the keys inside and walked away from my home “The Castle” is Kansas City, it was the start of a quest, a journey and a pilgrimage into the unknown.  I have sold all of my belongings, including the house, and reduced myself to a backpack, intent to travel the world for at least 3 years with 2 goals and a pretty lose idea of where to go and when to be there.  My quest is to learn how to live in the world, right now at this moment, fully content and happy.  I want to discover what elements this takes.  My two goals in discovering this way of living revolve around Meditation and Sustainable Living.  Obviously im starting this quest with what I know looking for the unknown, to experience the unknown and be changed by it.  Inherent in this process is the fact that my goals, viewpoints and everything else about me might change or might not.  Anicca, the Pali term for impermanence, which is the Law of Nature (everything is always changing) is pretty much my guiding light.  To understand that everything, good and bad, is always changing and resolving to be at peace with this Law is the characteristic that Meditation will bring to me on this quest.  Visiting communities around the globe who are focused on sustainable living practices such as farming, community building, and holistic living will be my practical application of experiencing a new (at least to me) lifestyle.

At the young age of 28 I will be challenging myself to let go of what I know; to allow what is unknown to pour into me, to be changed by those experiences and then with the wisdom gained to better understand what it is that I am really looking for.  I at least know upfront that I am looking for something I can’t define and I can’t quite place my finger on it.  I have reduced it down to my two goals because those are the nearest concepts I can place that will help me experience whatever longing desires to be expressed.  What I want is perhaps what many of my generation want and cannot express in clear language.  The more I explain to people what I am doing and why, the more a light goes on in their eyes that they also want something quite similar and hadn’t quite gotten around to fully forming this idea and acting on it.  People are searching for connection, purpose, and community.  Things the digital age seems to give us, but our intrinsic nature isn’t being fooled, we want the real deal.   My personal life goal in this quest seems to be, discover what Truth can be found and to bring it back to share with others.  To be one of the forerunners, do the hard work, so that others may benefit and make their transition easier.  I have a long term goal of making my own sustainable community to implement what I love about life and what I will soon be learning (and this may change), but the end goals in this community would be 1) To live a wonderful daily experience, and 2) To share this experience with anyone who wises to try something new.  I learned long ago that without the experience of something new it is impossible to change.  I want to create this place so that people may come, experience something new and be transformed by it, if even just the smallest amount.  To plant a seed in all who visit, and to nurture that seed in all who stay.  That is what my quest is about; to experience new ways of being on this planet and collect those seeds and watch them grow and see what blooms.

The purpose of this blog is to update all those who follow on the seeds of experience that I collect along the way.  Some people of course just want to know where I am (Hi Mom) and what I’m doing, in which I believe this will be the best source of information as well as the link of this on Facebook.  I had struggled with the idea of disconnecting myself almost entirely from the internet as I traveled and the many requests of friends and family to start a blog to keep them informed.  In archetypal language I am on a Hero’s journey; going off into the world, leaving behind all that is known to hopefully succeed in being transformed and bringing back sacred knowledge to the community.  Joseph Campbell has outlined the steps of this most common story, found in most movies and through out all literature.  My specific journey is that of stepping into adulthood and manhood; discovering exactly who I am as an individual and what I have to bring to this experience of life.  I will be recording my journey in my journal, and whatever insights arise will be translated into digital to share.  I can’t promise how often this will occur, but I can promise that what I post will hopefully be insightful and may also plant a seed in your awareness.

I have a sort of itinerary for my first year of travel.  I will begin with a 10 day Vipassana Meditation course in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts.  This is something I have been looking forward to since I first heard about it from some couchsurfing friends who had just completed their 10 day courses around the world.  To be further enhanced by a friend and roommate Taylor who had done 2 of them back to back.  Finding 10 days off was the issue, but now that my job has been resolved I think an intense meditation course is the best way to initiate the change from old to new.  Following this I will be doing a 2 month internship at an organic greens farm in South DartmouthMA.  A long time friend of the family I am staying with, Eva of Eva’s Greens has taken me in and will give me my first experience of what it takes on a day to day to grow a lot of food.  As sustainable living is based on your ability to grow most of your own food this will be another critical skill and continuing experience along my journey.  On August 28th I leave the United States for 3 years, starting with 3 months in France and a few trips to neighboring countries.  Then I travel to India for up to 6 months.  I have a 3 month work/meditation program at the Osho Meditation Retreat in Pune India.  After that experience I may stay on or travel India, who knows.  From there I am a blank slate.  I leave this purposely open so that I may say YES to whatever the universe brings me.  When you travel you meet so many people and they always offer such amazing experiences or places to visit.  Without an itinerary I can say yes to any and all that seem best to fit my mood at the time and that is the best gift I can give myself.  I have a hit list of countries I want to visit, not limited to but definitely including, Japan, Bali, Nepal, Egypt, South Africa, Morocco, New Zealand, All of South and Central America, and the rest of Europe I haven’t seen already.  I want to spend some time on a sail boat, diving in the ocean, learn to paraglide, walk from the shire to mordor, take a vipassana course in every country I intend to stay more than a month in, visit every hot spring I can dip myself into and eat the most amazing food.  This list will only grow as time moves on, but that is what is in store.

For those who always are asking how can you do this? I have a budget of 30$ a day (that’s 12k a year), I plan on wwoofing a lot, I plan on courchsurfing a lot, I plan on volunteering or even working at retreats/centers/farm etc.  While transportation is probably my main expense, I am aiming at a lifestyle that is sustainable and mostly free.  Trade your time for food and a place to stay is a lot of the way I will be going around the world.  This isn’t a vacation, its hard work, self development and the basis of what I hope is the rest of a wonderful life.  It’s also a vacation!  And it might just be the easiest thing I do!  Or the hardest thing I do!  From what I used to call work, work now must be also play and learning at the same time.  I did work very hard, behind a desk for 5 years and I did save enough money to pay my way around the world, although I want to learn how to travel for mostly free and love all the experiences that can be gathered.  Anyone can save enough to travel, it depends on your priorities.  For instance, a 1500$ plane ticket to SE Asia, plus 3-400$ a month will get you a 4 month beach retreat for 3k total.  If the idea of scraping together 250$ a month for 1 year (125$ over 2 years) sounds too hard to live at the beach for 4 months well then you might be stuck in the cultural trance or just not a world traveler.  I struggled for 3 of those 5 years knowing that working behind a computer was not what I loved to do in life.  I made good money and had a comfortable lifestyle, but the essence of life was missing and I knew it everyday.  I am still recovering from all the justifications I gave myself to stay put and keep making money all those years.  Just so you don’t get the wrong idea, this trip is in no way justification or a reward for all those years of work.  I was unaware of my fears keeping me stuck and I am now at least free of that fear, free to move on.  I also happened to save enough money, just because of my thrifty nature and deeply knowing I wanted to change my lifestyle.  The hardest and easiest decision to quit my job changed everything.  I don’t envy anyone the struggle it is to give up that security of money, and if you have other responsibilities like a family or are in debt, it is even harder.  However, giving up what makes you unhappy to follow something that makes you happy no matter the cost, is a trade I will now take every time.  Again it is something you have to experience, and I plan to put my experience to good use, for the benefit of others.

I hope this lengthy post explains enough about what I am about to do in my life, why, and a bit about who I am.  It is my sincere wish that everyone finds true happiness in their lives.  To free themselves from misery and to enjoy each moment as it arises no matter what is occurring.  This power of choice we have all been given is jaw-droppingly the most amazing gift. You get to choose what you want to do, be, think every moment and you can always change it!  Remember nothing is being done to you, you are choosing it, and if you don’t like it choose something else.  This includes how you feel, choose to be happy and surround yourself with wonderful experiences of what inspires happiness in you.  Remember Anicca, that everything is always changing, even your happiness.  Enjoy your suffering and then enjoy your happiness, both are a part of the journey.  Blessings to each of your journeys, may you all be enlightened and liberated.