Finding myself in The Path of Love

Beloveds,

I have something to share with you

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I am a self-critical, judgmental, angry, emotionally repressed, pretender. I have lived my life with a mask of being a good boy, peaceful, spiritual, grown up, with an air of having it all together in an effort to keep everyone happy and slightly removed so I would not have to feel any real emotion, commitment, or fear; to live life all on my own without any support. I lived as if this was the truth, that my mind had all the answers, that I didn’t need to change and I conveniently pushed all this to the side and kept it hidden from my consciousness. Until now; the ego can’t live forever after all.

Stepping back in time a moment, we can watch a beautiful process unfold of the universe stepping into my life to shine light on these wonderfully true aspects of myself, then stepping into the space of love, and being reborn into the beautiful essence I have always been, while dropping this mask of a personality.

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I find myself once again in India, at the Osho International Meditation Resort, working as part of the staff to extend my visit. I am struggling again slightly with the money and bureaucracy issues while enjoying tremendously the meditation community of people and self-development. I am having special difficulty and insights about this thing called mind. For the first time I can clearly see the mind as a separate entity, completely it’s own thing, and wildly the most insane, ADD child, I have ever met. It picks up anything it can get its hands on, plays with it for two seconds and throws it in the corner the instant it sees something new. Not only is this really annoying, it is getting in the way of everything I love because I have no control over this tiny monkey.

Flash forward a month and a half into my experience here: I am in a high stress job, feeling burnt out on working, missing out on connecting with many friends due to no time, missing out on opportunities, and I am putting a smile on everything because that’s what I do. Suddenly, Sambhavo walks into my office, a group facilitator and friend who says:

Sambhavo: “I’ve been looking for you”

Me: “I know, you need to pay for your program”

S: “No, no, no, I am holding a spot for you in the Path of Love”

M: shocked a bit

M: “Why did you just say that to me?”

S: “I don’t know why, it just came out!”

My mind was absent, or in shock, and suddenly there were just a few steps before me. The universe just quietly pushed me along without any resistance; check the program costs, check the requirements, see if they will let me off work, fill out the paperwork, have an interview, pack up my room, find a new place to live, get cash, pay, take a breath and jump into a 7 day intensive, super secretive, most money I’ve ever spent on myself in one go process called The Path of Love.

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*That’s what commitment looks like

Leading up to this huge, yet deceptively easy decision were many friends approaching me and sharing their own stories about Path of Love. I hadn’t been inquiring mind you, but many people in just a few days told me how transforming and wonderful the process was. A few good friends of mine were also going to staff on this PoL and shared their input. Somehow the universe just prepared me, without my awareness, so that when the moment came I couldn’t think about it, but rather just act out of instinct. It became the most important decision of my life and I didn’t really have to decide very much.

When you look back at your life, all the most important decisions and events aren’t planned; they just happen. It’s hard to see it at the time, but hindsight is pretty good. I felt in the moment that if I thought about what I was doing I would talk myself out of it. Instead I just walked the path laid before me with trust and knowing it felt right. 7 days later I walked out into the sunlight a new person, quite literally.

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While I cannot talk about the process itself, I can share all of my realizations; the biggest being the birth of my heart centered self. Through the work I came quickly to the understanding that I have been wearing a mask my whole life. A pretenders mask of being the “good boy”, so that I might hide my authentic emotions of being angry or sad, for fear of upsetting others and not knowing their reactions. A mask aimed to keep the status quo and people at an emotionally safe distance so that I wouldn’t have to feel any pain of separation, aloneness or any of my self judgement/criticism. My biggest question going into this process was a distinction between non attachment and being shut off emotionally. I could never find a concrete answer to this difference until this course. I realized that I have lived my whole life without awareness of the depth of my emotions. Surely they exist and I experience them as I am not a robot, but my experience of them, being overpowered by them, using them, allowing them to the surface, really tasting each emotion, was completely shut down. This started as my coping mechanism from 6 years old when my parents divorced. I decided right then and there to be a grown up, to solve any problems that arose, to be a good boy and cause no trouble, not to ask for anything, and to take care of myself. Well all those things are backwards, as no child or even adult knows how to do all that, and yet I lived with this belief and strategy for 24 years, strengthening it each moment.

There came an experience in this process where after accepting these facts at a deep level and understanding how and why I behave like I do, the mask suddenly dropped. I saw myself for the first time without pretending to be something. My face was radiantly alive with joy and tears. My tension was gone. I felt as if I finally saw myself like God sees me; as a perfect creation, alive, good, full of love and peace, and that there has never been anything wrong with me ever. In that moment I knew the mask known as Torey was finished and my pure essence had begun it’s new life. I jumped into a state of newborn ecstacy, where every look, touch, taste, and thought was new. I explored everything with an aliveness and newness I’ve never known. It was so beautiful and transforming to know this energy exists in me always, along with every range of emotion, and that this is what it means to be embodied and what a gift that truly is.

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Through a deep sense of longing and prayer, I also knew it was time to dedicate myself to walking this path of truth. Before, being spiritual was easy, a few meditations, reading some books, acting good and nice, and spouting off whatever lessons I had learned. Walking the path is much more difficult actually. It is a constant re-commitment to truth. To finding out who you are and how to let the divine into you. It is so much effort and courage, to burn with a passion and longing to always know the truth. The mind’s whole effort is to make life easy by putting us into the sleep of comfort. Walking the path is a constant stirring of the pot so that in fact no comfort exists for the mind, no room to take control and become master again. The heart, feeling, and pure essence are king here and the mind a tool to be used surely, but not ruler of the kingdom. To recommit yourself everyday is a true effort, using the intensity of your physical, emotional, and spiritual practices, but one I am happy to make now that I have seen the difference.

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For this reason I decided to take and was given sannyas on the last day of this process to anchor this knowing. Sannyas for me was always a dedication to walking the path of truth, mediation, and awareness, but contained a special emphasis on letting go of the old and starting a new commitment. PoL gave me exactly that experience, as the personality I had carried for so long died, and my essence was born as Premraj. This new name, meaning “king of love” or “ruled by love”, serves as a constant reminder of my true essence, a guide post that will always be a reminder when I do fall asleep, to keep my heart awake, alive, and full of love. To feel the radiant spectrum of emotions that exists in me and keep digging deeper and deeper to awaken the Buddha in me. Both prem, meaning love, and raj, meaning king, would never have been names I took for myself. When I was given this name though, it was like music being played on my heart. I was given this name by someone who could see into my essence and called forth what I am. A wise and just leader, who is strong yet merciful, one who has great treasures to share, and is able to balance himself and the kingdom he overlooks with ease and with love.

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*Pre Path of Love photo

After being out of the process for a few weeks I came to a new understanding of what I really gained. I’ll have to be honest first; coming back to the world from this depth of being with oneself was at once explosively amazing and slightly crushing. I exited my silence and confinement into a world of friends and loved ones who immediately saw a deep transformation in me. My presence, feeling, hugs, power, sexual energy, masculine energy, and open eyes blew everyone away. Sometimes it was too much for them, and sometimes too much for me to take a whole person so totally into my being. The very next day I had my sannyas celebration before the whole community. The crowd to hug and support me was the most anyone has seen in a long while. I had to be lifted onto the shoulders of my dear friend Adam and really feeling like a king, accept all this love and joy, to honor who I have become. This was the high followed by the low of retreating back into myself and my own space. With each new encounter, I was able to explore how I responded to the world and people. What I found, what changed in me, turned out to be only one thing. I learned how to trust myself. Suddenly I found that the fear of living life was gone. Situations where I normally would have avoided, or shut off emotionally, I could face head on without feeling scared. I could step into that space with my power and emotions intact and experience it. All my pretending and avoidance was gone and each time I kept surprising myself by doing something new.

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*Post Path of Love photo

This truly was the gift I received. To trust myself, trust the guidance of the universe, to trust love and the support of all human beings who want only my highest good. A strong realization came to me during PoL, we all have fears, hurts, longings, desires, hopes, needs and while the story might be a little different we really are all the same in essence. The fact that as a species we aren’t openly talking about how we really feel is perhaps the saddest thing I have ever come to know. Such a simple, yet terrifying effort to expose ones true self, and the whole world would come to know that your neighbor is the same as you. That everyone is just as scared as you, as hurt as you, as hopeful as you, as longing for love and support as you. I look now at everyone with such compassion because I know everyone has a deep wound that they carry, and they may not know anything about it, but I do, and I can interact with them in such a way as to share great love and caring and hold a space of compassion for their being.

To be seen is what every human being really wants. To be seen with eyes of truth and be accepted for who you really are is a foundation of love. To see a person at their core and accept them for their humanness and in turn be accepted, contains all the spiritual effort one needs to practice. I saw into people and ended up making lasting friendships because nothing can shake the truth of what was witnessed. We may all slip back into being the personality we have carried for our lives, but nothing can take away the truth of seeing another clearly.

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The depth of being that was experienced, the limitless amount of energy, the overwhelming support of the staff and growth in love was enough to turn me in a new direction. Understanding that this inner place of truth can be called out and touched, I want to dedicate my work to helping bring it out in myself and others. This is what holds value between human beings and has touched me as it touches every PoL participant. The effort is ongoing and once the taste of the possibilities are known, your life is changed forever. May clear communication and love flower amongst the hearts of all, until we realize we are all one essence. Love and blessings on your personal journey.

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Check out the Path of Love for yourself:

http://www.pathoflove.net/

Transformation of the Self: when life has lost its juice

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Beloveds,

Have you ever woken up one day to find your interest in life lackluster? Have you looked around and found the feeling that there is nothing worth living for? No passion to do anything, no life force left to fight, a numbness blanketing everything and a burning question of what and why is this happening to me again?

Personal development isn’t always the bright light we find at the end of the journey. Often the biggest changes and growth come through the pain of resistance. We long for a change to come, even understanding sometimes what is blocked, but for the strangest reason some piece of our being just won’t let go and move into love. I have always been interested in this process because it affects me so often and somehow I never remember what’s happening to me until I remember what’s happening. I hope you may benefit by my experience, sparking a remembering and alignment, in your time of need.

Pressure. Overwhelming pressure. Blocked. Strained. Drained. Resistance. Lethargy. Lost. Up, down, and sideways. Confusion. Depressed. Feeling no juice in life and that it may never be bright again. No reason or energy to do anything. Just plain dead, before death. Hopeless.

Take a deep breath, you have been through this before and even though it feels like the first time, like it won’t end, like you will never find anything worth living for, you still know, at least intellectually, that it will pass and you will be better for it. The feeling however is very real and no self talk, cheering up or distractions are going to fix this immediately. To quote rumi:

“Hold me in the fire,
And although I die,

I know for whom and why”

This is the physical transformation experience. After the decision to change was made deep inside. After the conceptual ideas and feelings about change happened. We have reached the last step, the slowest and most dense plane, the physical body, which now must catch up with the faster energetic plane. These changes may have been from months ago which explains the disconnect from your thoughts and the physical changes taking place. The need for the mind to understand what is happening is so strong, but so useless, that we fight this process to the bitter end and wonder why this misery has befallen us.

This is the epitome of spiritual practice, and a perfect time, in light of this formidable resistance, to discover more about yourself and your ability to transform. This is the moment when all those spiritual self help books and blogs are needed most, but least likely to be heard. The question is “can I embrace and make friends (become neutral, resistance free, dis-identified) with this pressure, this anxiety, this fear, and ultimately a feeling I don’t want to be experiencing?”

This is time for trust, for patience, for deep breathing. Ultimately this is out of your control, like a roller coaster that just crested the top of the main climb, there is no turning back; only how much you want to fight the ride. Once you realize you are on a ride, at least you can stop wondering whats going on. Try to find that comforting, because at least you are no longer lost.  Like birth, you decided many months ago to bear a child and now on one day this incredible pressure and feeling is in you. You must finish this decision for there is no turning back. In an instant a transformation of self will be and everything will change. You will give birth to your new self, but you must go through the trial first.

It is this very trail by fire we call suffering. Human nature is to suffer, but we don’t have to get upset about it. Once this process has happened a few times, it is likely that you know at some point it will pass, as all things must, but of course the immediate feeling is something we humans dislike greatly and depending on your inner level of calmness, perhaps hate and rage against. You can literally fight this transformation process until it finally finishes and suffer greatly or in an instant of true realization help the transformation take place and viola! You pop through the other side.

The steps for this process are generally similar, starting with your inner awareness and communication. The feeling that shows up is generally the same but a different scenario each time and thus confuses us greatly until we identify what is happening. The first few days something just feels off. Perhaps less energy, an un-explainable lethargy while feeling physically fine, accompanied by a growing desire to know and figure out just “what” about this feeling is off. If you are coming up with continual new ideas of what It could be and not settling on one, it is probable you are in the middle of a transformation process. Another signal could be a slight nagging somewhere in your body with a sore point, like an ache, to which no physical counterpart actually exists. This signal is often the clearest yet most misunderstood device. Something from your unconscious depths is rising to the surface looking for the light of day. Often a knot in your back, shoulders, chest or neck, although it can show up anywhere. You may rub this point as much as you like but it never eases the source. At this point you can begin to make the connection. This is energetic, something trapped inside is ready to release and is climbing the metaphorical hill to ride the roller coaster. Whether you catch on here or when you crest the hill, you will only realize when you realize this transformation process is what’s happening to you.

The next step is to acknowledge the pressure, energy, stuck-ness, and make friends with it. This is where all the spiritual self help comes in handy. How to see this unwanted feeling and be friendly with it? We don’t question joy when it visits us; asking why has it come and when it will kindly be on its way. But for pain and suffering this is the only question we repeat over and over. What did I do, why is this happening, how can I fix this, how do I get rid of this, okay if you go away I’ll do this, if I could just figure this out ill be okay! But none of these questions will ever resolve it, but only make it stick around because it is not a question and there is no answer. You are fighting with your self, your ego, and that is a circle that can continue for as long as you have energy to fight. We have become so identified with the physical feeling that we have forgotten a simple truth: we are not this feeling. We are the inner awareness that is watching this feeling and process unfold. Being friendly means stepping back into our centered awareness and just watching the feeling be there until it leaves on its own; rather than madly questioning why we have become this overwhelming feeling.

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”  – Rumi

A different approach must be taken. This is tricky because human beings want to be cunning and cleaver at this moment. We devise some method of bargaining to alleviate the pain. A this for that strategy which is really telling your unconscious I don’t have any power, but please be merciful as I still fight you. We have one recourse, friendliness, non attachment, neutrality, let go, compassion for the self. These are all the same thing in respect to this phenomenon so choose what feels best. We acknowledge that this feeling is present. Perhaps with playfulness say “Oh, isn’t that interesting. Look what showed up today”. Tell it that it is a welcome guest as long as it likes and to do whatever it needs, because we know at the end of their stay our life and feeling will be better for it. To do this truthfully is the only thing you ever need to learn. This is the same knack in every spiritual practice on earth. To honestly befriend the reality of life with no restraint, no cunningness, no bargaining and just let it be there with you. To watch with awareness while not becoming identified with the feeling. In that exact moment, a switch flips and you are on the other side. Pressure gone or on its way out. You are transformed.

Learning how to truly let go, to be honest, is very difficult and yet the simplest thing. It happens all the time, but to participate with it knowingly is a different task altogether. You can’t deceive your own inner self. Next time you can’t just say “oh let’s be friends”, I’ve done this before and don’t have time for you now, and wonder why it didn’t resolve itself and get upset. The true let go is a subtle and fine art of embracing the suffering and even finding joy in the process because conceptually we know it’s for the best even when everything tells us we feel like we might be dying.

Even if you honestly let go early on in the process you may need to ride the metaphorical bus for the duration and reach the destination. Of course it will be an interesting ride all the same, but as we ride that bus from the beginning to the end many aspects of your inner being will try to drive the bus. I like to have my spirit as the conductor. He knows the destination and will lead me there gently and without delay. However when my fear gets a hold of the wheel, this bus be rocking left and right as fear tries to flip the bus over, turn it around, or do anything to not reach the destination. It is in this moment, when some aspect wants to hold us back that we kindly acknowledge that we have a new driver and ask our spirit, or whoever you like driving your bus of transformation, to step back in and take over. Trust once again that we are headed to a destination of our choosing and that we will reach there without that other idiot crashing the bus.

Coming out of the transformation process is a beautiful thing. Either suddenly or gradually you begin to see beauty again in the world, a passion and energy for living again. You begin to wonder why you ever felt life to be so dull and lifeless when this new thirst for feeling alive is growing. Just as you can’t see the beauty from the depths of resistance, you can’t see the dullness from the energy of being alive. We go back and forth as humans on this pendulum, unless we learn how to stop in the middle; which is enlightenment. Try at this point to remember that just recently you felt so alone, so tired, so out of juice and that life was almost not worth living anymore. So when it visits you again you know how to come out of it quicker and easier.

To truly take the time to invest in your self development, and grow your awareness of yourself around the healing/growing process is a sincere undertaking. It means putting everything aside, sometimes utterly stopping your world, to address the most important and life changing experience that is happening. Waiting is utter foolishness, for in the end, postponement is to continue to suffer. It’s often a challenge to pit the importance of our inner world against that of the outer world and it’s requirements or distractions. At the end of the day though we will still be living in our bodies and every moment given to cleaning house will lessen that anxiety and ultimately lead to a more joyful life experience. I wish upon everyone the awareness to watch this process when next it springs upon you and to traverse it with grace. Make friends with your new strange guests and they may just leave you with the greatest gifts of all.

An Invitation With My Guides

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From the first moments I knew I was in uncharted territory. I have just had an Akashic record reading, an energetic storyline of my life, being told to me by a very talented, albeit kind stranger.  I am no stranger myself to the unseen energies and mysteries of the divine world, but being human, I still get expectations that someone can hand me the definitive keys to my life and I’ll feel safe and secure. This reading pretty much handed me the next step in my life and I am feeling a level of contentment rarely experienced. I received exactly what I needed too, with clarifications on expected answers and the surprising information which has delivered a state of grace into my life. Such is the mystery of a stranger clearly explaining your life to you.

“What are the elements, practices, and places that support the experience of my greatest joy, in manifesting an integrated experience of my life’s purpose, including the physical, spiritual, and emotional aspects, and what does that look like in daily life, to bring it quickly and joyously into continued physical manifestation”

This was my question I wanted answered and just reading it is a doozie. This question stems from a lack of concrete movement in the direction I know my life is heading. Basically, like most people I feel a bit lost and coincidentally I have the ability to go anywhere and do anything practically on the planet and that just makes it harder to choose anything. So I was looking for the answers of where to be, what to do, and how to go about it in such a way that I feel fulfilled and happy as it manifests. This question was asked to a wonderful woman who reads the Akashic records. Like all non-local information systems this one contains all the information, in a giant book per-se, about every life, past, present, and future. So you ask a question, and you can get very direct or even surprising answers. You have free will of course to do as you like, but knowing the why and perhaps the how is very comforting. I work in these records myself and wanted as a sub question to know how to get better and clearer information for myself and others. The answers I got were thankfully much what I was expecting, meaning my own intuition and feeling about my life was correct, but I also received some interesting tidbits that have changed my life fundamentally for the best I hope.

“You are experiencing where you are because you have lived two similar lifetimes, while being very talented in the physical world, couldn’t bring your spiritual purpose into your life experience and the difficulty of that caused you to leave the planet early, oddly enough at age 29.”

This was the first statement made and set the context for the rest of the reading. As my current life experience was spelled out to me, I knew that this downturn I’ve experienced over the last months fits this storyline. I’ve always known what I wanted to do in this life and was wondering why I felt such a lack of movement towards pursuing it. The depressive pull from these past lives has been so strong that of course I am going to feel a bit out of place, directionless, with a bit of my joy diminished, but after the dust clears and I reach 30 the jets are on and the work of living my purpose really begins. In short, I am here to help raise the consciousness of myself and anyone truly interested in that endeavor. I’ve known this was going to come in the shape of a meditation community which was confirmed and thus the direction for action was set. I was given some time frames and a bit about how this will begin to unfold, but like all things, I must choose what to do and then follow the energy through. I am to begin with what I have and who I know, to get the energy started and moving, and then the rest of the steps will easily follow. So expect a happy house of meditation with beautiful friends and lifestyle to come in a relatively near future.
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I have some personal development to work on as well of course, particularly around my healing work and putting myself out into the world. I had the choice to be a monk and retreat, but that ship sailed, I am here to be in the world and help people live life with a higher consciousness. Specifically I have three things to work on, feeling inadequate, taking on others responsibilities, and wondering am I good enough? This accurately sums up my internal world of trying to justify and legitimize my own knowing, abilities, and wake of transformation I cut in the world. Putting yourself out in the world, to be vulnerable, to do great works and also to be humbled when you fail or falter, is self work everyone can understand and embark upon. It’s scary and transformative and much needed, but having your personal guides step in and lovingly explain it really changes your perspective of actually doing it. So I’ll follow the advice and start doing my healing work in earnest with friends and those seeking guidance. I’ll bring the information which is my responsibility, and let the outcome be the recipients responsibility, and leave the doubt and worry up to my guides and masters. I was given practices to begin and I’ll enjoy that process as my communication gets louder, clearer, and more helpful.

I have an amazing 6 months of experiences ahead of me as I head to Japan, Bali, and India to receive new gifts waiting for me in each place. I will begin to wake up in new ways and expand my own consciousness, love, and healing. Letting go of the worry about my direction and trusting my guides who said that I never need to worry about that again has already opened me up to living in the moment more fully. I am excited and calmed in knowing that all is well, and while I felt lost and directionless, it was all part of a plan and the why has been delivered. That why and storyline puts our human minds at ease so we can best get on with the real work of living joyously. I need to go through these kinds of dilemmas so in my own service to the planet I can better help those receive the healing and alignment of knowing the storyline and thus being at ease.

I find it awe inspiring that I am being guided to Bali for some major transformation work. This also completes my Eat, Pray, Love journey and like Liz Gilbert I too may have a major expansion of love force brought into my life. Not a romantic partner, but continuing the wonderful expansion of opening my heart to ultimate compassion seems to be part of the culture of Bali, of which I’ve never experienced. Bali is the only place on the planet right now I can say I am definitely being guided too. It is like a bright light in the distance and although Japan and India also glow currently, this is like a moth to a flame. I eagerly await this new experience and look forward to the realizations and transformations I can write about after having visited.
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Sometimes it takes a direct line to your higher self and guides to get the message through, and sometimes just some courage to do what you know in your heart to be true. I hope I can help bring more resources and information to people interested in getting aligned in their life. When you are feeling a bit lost, the comfort of knowing all is well, just makes life worth living in utter joy.

The surprise gift came actually after the reading was over. Over the rest of my day and the next, this overwhelming sense of relief was present. A sense of non-worry, because for the first time in a long time I was letting my direction unfold, instead of trying to make it happen and fighting against the motionlessness of my dream. Suddenly I knew where I was going, how it was coming about and that I just needed to watch it happen. This is the essence of non-attachment, non-doing, just being. I will unravel this delicious thought more in a following post, but to let what is just be, and to truly be comfortable with that, is a gift. This is something I have experienced many times before, but when you forget, you just forget. Having my guides near to me and having delivered this wonderfully calming information has given me the sense of purpose and clarity I was really seeking and didn’t even know was missing. For this one thing I am the most grateful; to be content with the unfolding of my life rather than trying to make it happen. Love exists when you let go of all the effort and playfully participate in creation.

Wishing everyone the experience of such contentment and calm knowing. Life is a present to be unwrapped slowly.

The wandering monk, wandering hand in hand.

I will more formally announce my upcoming offer to work with others in a clear and distinct way, but for questions or contact information about others who do this work currently you can privately contact me if interested.

India, The Meditation Experience

Welcome to Travels in India: Meditation and the Crazy Enlightened Mystic, Osho

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If you are going to learn one thing at the OSHO International Meditation Resort, it is going to be dancing.  Wild, ecstatic, flowing, celebrating, at all hours of the day, dancing is happening, begging for your participation.  The lesson here being, if you can celebrate life and dance, then you are alive in the moment. Most dynamic meditations here contain some form of dancing and the highlight of the day, evening meeting, begins and ends with dancing.  Osho created these meditations to help people create space between the body/mind and your watcher, otherwise known as your intrinsic Buddha.  With this space, one may experience their authentic nature, of silence, happiness, and being centered.  One does not need to go anywhere, only turning in, realizing your own self, taking just one step and you are there.  We practice the art of living, to see our habit patterns and how to live with our watcher intact.  This creates the gap, the experiential wisdom of knowing you are not the body or the mind, and thus transformation, inspiration, and all sorts of emotions can come forth and leave you feeling peaceful, happy, and above all else, alive.

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I jumped into resort life with both feet, 8 months prior to arriving, when I decided this was the decision that would help me quit my job and give me the next step.  I had no idea what really went on here, and I wanted no information either.  To come with the least amount of expectations so that I could experience what is, instead of what I wanted it to be in my mind.  The first hurdle for my self transformation was actually getting the desire to go to India.  My fears of this famous country, known for meditation, always held me back, but they were unfounded. There is extreme poverty and trash everywhere, but also beautiful landscapes, perfect temperatures, many smiles and friendly people.  I decided to join the Work as Meditation program for 90 days and just give it the best go.  I work for 6 hours a day to receive a lowered price at the resort and be part of the staff.  Like everyone else here, visitor, worker, and teacher alike, we all pay to be present and experience the magic of this place.  This was the first hurdle for my western mind, I am paying to work. I can rationalize it, knowing I also get to live at a resort and meditate the rest of my day, but money, money, money were my thoughts.  Of course this is part of the work as meditation purpose, to watch your mind, and my mind couldn’t stop calculating prices and value. For the first days I was plagued with these kinds of thoughts, trying to turn this beautiful experience into dollars per hour.  In the end, relaxing into the  daily life of work and meditation healed me of all these woes and the real priceless value came shining through.

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The greatest realization I’ve had during my visit here is what living in a community of meditators feels like.  Beforehand, I didn’t even realize that I would be practicing part of my future way of life while being here, and what ive found confirms my beliefs: This is the lifestyle for me.  Unlike daily life in the modern world, everyone here understands the basic principal on which we all operate.  It matters not where you come from, what you believe, or even what you know; everyone understands that we are all developing ourselves.  If you are having an expressive joyous day, someone is there to support and join you.  If you are having a silent day and really working on something personal, everyone allows you your space to discover yourself.  It is a unique experience to know who is here, but never know if and how you can interact with them each day.  Perhaps you had plans for lunch, but you find your friends are all wearing silence badges on that day without telling you.  You really learn to focus on yourself, on being total in expressing yourself and your desires, moment to moment.  Every day brings something new and you practice not planning for the future or some daily habit pattern.  Even though I work 6 hours a day, I can’t tell you with any certainty what the day will bring me.  Often I am roped into something fun, there is a taster class to attend, lunch with different people, and the best part is that I never know how I will feel when I wake up, but whatever that feeling is, I have all day to fully express it, because tomorrow it will change.  There have been days of laughter and days of silence, days of peaceful awareness and days of rushed anxiety.  Learning to really embrace whatever shows up, in work, in friendship, in community, and in your heart is the root of the biggest realization here.  I know now that living in this way, from moment to moment with a group of people who all desire at the basic level to develop themselves is the answer to what I am looking for in a lifestyle.

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The next major realization is the new meditation techniques I have been practicing here.  Having done mainly silent sitting meditations over the last 2 years, I was in for a shock at the OSHO Resort.  Osho created many meditations and meditative therapies, but the 3 daily core meditations are Dynamic*, Kundalini**, and Evening meeting***.  I had just finished a 10 day silent Vipassana course before arriving here and I couldn’t have prepared for a more abrupt 180 degree turn.  The meditations here are designed to do what Vipassana does slowly and with awareness, abruptly and directly.  What I learned and discovered is that both techniques use one basic principal: The body sensations and the sub-conscious mind are linked.  If you feel something coming up from the sub-conscious you will feel it in your body, and if you feel something on your body it will go into your subconscious. This is called the bodymind, which is one thing, not two separate things.  This explains the celebratory dancing here.  If your dance is a celebration, your inner being becomes a celebration.  Dance when you don’t feel like it.  Smile when you don’t feel like it.  This will change your inner being. I stopped a 2 year practice of daily silent sitting to see what being total in this experience could give me.  What I found is that the meditations which often look like exercise or wild dancing, if you peek from your blindfold, are actually deeply working processes transforming the inner world.  Learning to express yourself in Dynamic though wild catharsis, starts to break down the walls of suppression in a quick and real way that transforms many people instantly.  I feel that if I have learned one thing in the physical realm it is how to express myself better.  This doesn’t mean just through my words, this means expressing my authentic inner self in all dimensions.  If anger is there, if happiness is there, sadness, laughter, joy, tears, anxiety is there, express it, look at it, examine it, but just don’t suppress it.  So often in our society we learn from childhood to present ourselves in a certain way, to create a personality.  We are not allowed to yell at other people and then be friends again the next moment; or to laugh or cry when we feel the urge, but society deems it inappropriate. The need to express is still very real, but we just tuck it away for later.  But later never comes and years later you find yourself a mess of confusion and emotions with no exit valve.  This whole experience is learning your natural exhaust valve and how to come back to your authentic self.  To see your conditioning given to you by society and family and choose consciously what you want to carry and what you want to drop.  I struggled at first with dropping my silence, and habit pattern for the last 2 years, but quickly learned that I didn’t know how to really express my true emotions.  Silence is fantastic, but it needs to be balanced against emotional aliveness.  Osho taught a mixture of “Zorba the Buddha”.  Zorba the Greek knew how to enjoy the pleasures of life, and Buddha knew how to enjoy the silence of your eternal centeredness.  Osho teaches that both are incomplete, both need each other in one being, that is the whole Man/Woman.

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The next realizations are all a mix of personal work done though the lens of being at a Meditation Retreat.  Every day is a day to work on yourself; every moment and interaction is a time to develop yourself.  As long as you keep looking back at yourself and embracing any uncomfortable feelings, progress is astounding.  At first I started manifesting connections to people, to make some friends and have conversations around meditation.  As I found my first friends and began feeling very comfortable and available to open myself, I then decided to manifest more experiences containing flirting.  I had been in a state of introverted silence so long that to think about flirting with anyone, was something I actually needed to work on. I didn’t want anything other than fun, playful, cute, and connected flirting and for this reason the manifestation was fully welcomed and explored.  All the cute ladies, older women, and male friends flocked to my new desire instantly and hugs and kisses abounded.  To feel loved every time you encounter someone just makes your day.  The quality of flirting with people and life itself is such a beautiful experience that to carry this quality of aliveness with you is a blessing and a gift.  Then New Years arrived and things changed.  While I was holding my energy and desire clearly, the effect on others was not so contained.  So from my fears of moving into a sexual relationship, a wonderful Chinese girl by the name of Sangeetam became my partner. We moved seamlessly into relationship as if this had been arranged.  It had been a long standing intention to manifest a partner in which to grow meditatively and lovingly.  I knew something was arranged for me at the OSHO Resort, and I can clearly say this was it.  We met with the same kinds of knowing about meditation and relationships, understanding we are both here to work on ourselves and see how we can develop.  The precipice of our bond was not physical attraction, but the calm knowing of two quiet souls meeting and knowing this was not the first time. What came next was an expedition into the fears I hold around relationship, boundaries, responsibility, and most importantly opening to love.

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Ah, relationships, I can’t even say I know what I am doing because I don’t.  Generally my relationships last a few months with wonderful growth which then leaves someone behind who didn’t continue to grow fast enough. As I’ve gotten older, navigating the entry and exit has become much smoother with both people knowing our purpose was completed. However, my knowing of love is only from what the masters have said on the subject.  That you can only love yourself, and when that becomes enough you overflow into the world and can shower it on another.  I know this to be true, because when I am in flow with the universe it is a state of grace that I can hold for myself and share with others.  To be honest, i have never felt that I’ve known love growing up.  I look at other relationships and I see what society tells me should be love and know that this has not been my experience. I am working on opening my emotional body and heart because I didn’t know how to be open, and thus, never could give myself totally.  I could act totally, and DO things for the other that looked like what society told everyone lovers should do, but actually feeling it?  I can’t say that except for a few moments in my life, I’ve felt the totality of LOVE.  Love, which is this overwhelming merging of being one with the universe so totally that you forget yourself and know instantly that all is one, life is perfect and then you shower that bliss of existence on all.  I have been plenty good and happy with people, even overcome with great joy and caring. I have even felt that something special you reserve for your intimate lover, but this actual truth of Love that the masters speak about, I have to admit I don’t know it, and ive never been shown it.  In knowing that fact, I can at least now invite the experience to come to me as a realization and a breakthrough.  As I work on myself, clearing the old debris of fear, I am making way for love to come through me and to experience whatever shows up.

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From my moment to moment perspective this seems to be the major work for me here.  Nothing else seems quite so hard, quite so big, or quite so rewarding.  I have opened myself to a mixture of meditation and celebration, that was needed, but the deep work of opening my heart will be the greatest gift I can give myself here.  Being in a relationship I have been given the perfect opportunity and partner to show me my weaknesses and also support me through my rapid growth in this area.  I can clearly see the fears in my mind and instead of putting them aside and letting the relationship ultimately suffer and die, I face the uncomfortable feelings and embrace the work of changing and facing my fears and old patterns.  I have seen clearly now that I have never let anyone into my emotional world before.  This is partly because I don’t know how to go there myself and partly because ive been lied to and kept that lie as the truth.  Due to my upbringing I never experienced what the energy of a relationship between two people really feels like.  My parents divorced when I was 6 and this began a subconscious learning process of individuation that just happened to be for this lifetime.  No blame to be dealt, everyone grows up in certain conditions, whether from family or society that we don’t get to control, but we do get to choose if we wish to carry it once we become conscious of the patterns.  I am aware that my relationship patterning was flawed, only seeing separation and becoming an island unto myself. I kept expressing the same lie of separation over and over again, telling myself that this is just how I am and my authentic emotional connection to people was just missing.  Well, now thanks to this patient and strong woman, I can look at that patterning and instead of accepting this pattern as my natural way of being, I can drop it and see what lives underneath.  As I keep stirring the pot each morning in dynamic, I can feel the layers peeling off.  What is beginning to shine through feels so big, so exciting, so much needed, and I am ready to welcome whatever it is.  I am beginning to feel into my heart space, I am becoming softer, and while I am nowhere near the end, I have at least started the process of something I have long questioned and long desired.

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I have been hugely aided in this endeavor of self realization.  Firstly, the energy of this place pushes personal growth forward at an accelerated pace. The encounters with other meditators and adhering to a daily schedule of meditation aids in the quick pace of self realization. In my own energy work, I’ve begun to work with some masters by accessing a place called the Akashic Records.  This can be thought of as a giant book of everything ever done from every lifetime.  In a sense it is very much like collective consciousness.  In this way I have called upon the energies of Osho and Rumi, along with other masters as I see the need, and have access to their essence and energy which still exists in a very tangible way for me and the universe.  Having opened their essence, they are with me through this work and Rumi is teaching me how to be transformed by love, while OSHO is working with me to realize and clear the layers of fear and conditioning that are not part of my authentic being.  In conjunction with this I have set a new intention for my daily experience, “I intend to constantly bring realizations and new understandings to myself”.  I had a realization that I cannot manifest or intend an experience I have never known into my reality.  For instance I cannot intend the experience of enlightenment to show up tomorrow, because I don’t know what the experience is like; therefore when I ask for it, I really don’t know what I am asking for.  However I do know what the experience of instant realization or insight feels like.  This I can totally ask for, and since I have been asking for it, realizations have started showing up every day.  In this way I can reach enlightenment or many other things on the way as I progress from the known into the unknown.  So working from these three angles, this meditative environment, the wisdom and energy of the Masters, and my intention for instant realization I am reaching a new level of self development that is astonishing.  It is exciting to look at yourself and realize all of a sudden that whole aspects of your self have been hidden and with a little work the door can be opened for discovery.  It is an exciting time to be a meditator.

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Thankfully during my visit to the resort I was able to meet and touch the lives of many people visiting from over 100 different nations. Every type of person from around the world and with many different backgrounds and stories arrived each day to try this wild place and experience first hand the crazy genius of Osho. I would love to recommend a visit to every person I meet, but the truth is that there are many pathways to the divine and I only urge each person to find what works for them.  Keep a burning desire to find your truth and discovering the path is inevitable. I have been transformed by this place and my experiences over the last three months.  Thankfully I am also happy to call this place and the people here my home. I will be back many times and soon, because having tasted once again the daily lifestyle of the old routine, living in a city and just going about ones daily business, I can clearly say that I would rather not waste another moment being outside of the delicious process of developing oneself surrounded by the most astounding people and environment that one can call home. A truth has been learned and can never be forgotten. I thrive in an environment of conscious meditators and now starts the long road of developing a sustainable lifestyle that enjoys this connection as its core. Blessings and happiness to all beings and may you find your own light that never falters.

 

In Love and Truth,

Torey, the Wandering Monk

 

 

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*I got to be the official photographer for a while!

www.osho.com

*Dynamic Meditation: 1 Hour, 5 Stages

Stage 1: 10 Mins: Deep, chaotic exhaling breaths, building energy. Stage 2: 10 Mins: Explode! let your body and emotions take over and express anything that you feel. Sing, shout, dance, cry, roll around anything that you feel. Stage 3: 10 Mins: Jump up and down with arms raised overhead shouting “Hoo” each time your feet strike the ground. Stage 4: 15 Mins: Freeze! Dont make any conscious movement. Witness your inner world. Stage 5: 15 Mins: Dance. Express anything that is left and carry your aliveness with you for the rest of the day.

**Kundalini Meditation: 1 Hour, 4 Stages

Stage 1: 15 Mins: Shake. Allow your body to vibrate and shake with the energy coming up from your feet.  Allow this natural shaking to occur, dont DO anything. Stage 2: 15 Mins: Dance. Allow your body to dance and move anyway it feels.  Dont Do any particular dancing. Stage 3: 15 mins:  Stand or sit silently and just watch your inner world. Stage 4: 15 Mins: Lie down and let go. Maintain awareness, but dont do anything, just allow.

**Evening Meeting: Various time, roughly 2 hours, 6 Stages

Stage 1: 20 Mins: Dance by yourself and celebrate life. Stage 2: 1 hour +: Listen to a discourse from Osho. Listen to the gaps between the words, not the words themselves. Anything you need to hear you will pick up on. Stage 3: 5 Mins: Laughter. Osho will tell some jokes, enjoy! Stage 4: 2 Mins: Gibberish. Speak in a language you dont know to clear your mind of rubbish. Stage 5: 10 Mins: Let go. Osho will guide you deeper into yourself to find your buddha. At one point you will “Let go” and fall over dead like a tree falling in the woods. Stage 6: 3-5 Mins: Dance and celebrate being alive.

 

Divine encounters and workaway

lourdes
There is a great opportunity going on in the world and I would not like anyone to miss it. Volunteer your time around the world doing various work experiences and earn a free place to stay and food to eat. Sound like a good trade? It did to me, and I have gained more than I expected. In my three years of travel around the world I plan to utilize this method to extend my time and experiences in the world while costing me only travel expenses.  Experiences fall mostly into the gardening work, nannying, or handy man type, but can vary into marine biology scuba diving  and chocolate making. For five hours a day you get a wonderful experience and can really take time to explore the local culture.  You also get the added benefit of living with a family and can practice another language.         France house
Getting started on my first experience was difficult in the sense that I couldn’t decide where I wanted to apply to. There were so many opportunities in France alone, I could hardly decide on one to add to my travels, so I didn’t. However, once I had traveled for two months, I was ready for some quiet life and being in touch with nature.  I looked up some hosts again and one immediately popped out. Close to Lourdes France where I wanted to visit, was a couple who had retired from running a spiritual retreat and needed a bit of help in the garden. Not more than 10 minutes after sending an email, I had a reply and a destination, where once was only the open road. The universe had stepped in and answered my request in full.
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I spent 20 hours on various trains over two days traveling from eastern Italy to western France. On the mid point in Nice, my roommate for the night was Chris, the first traveler I’ve met on a two year journey traveling this volunteer lifestyle. He had just finished work on a vineyard harvesting grapes and learning about making wine. Admittedly hard work, but he had loved it. A teacher and chef, on break from working life, sitting in my room to encourage me on the eve of my first experience. The universal positioning of this meeting is incalculable, and thus is a perfect sign that I am exactly where I need to be at this moment. We hit it off and swapped stories about how great traveling like this is and our perfect encounter. I pull myself away to visit the ocean, watch the stars and love how perfect life is right at this moment. I am reminded that I asked for all this and I am grateful to recognize its arrival. Watching it unfold, having let the universe drop all the physical pieces into place, even I couldn’t have written such a perfect script.
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The moment I meet David at the train station and step foot into their lives, I know this meeting was scheduled. It looks like I am here to help with the garden, but I am really here to meet David and his wife Mo. When a complete stranger steps into your life there is usually a small or rather large adjustment period. No such thing was present, I seamlessly stepped into daily life as if a son coming home for holiday.  A wonderful life of gratitude, blessings, mutual understanding, spiritual work, and work in the garden awaited me. It seemed to be that a gathering, lunch, party, or other event was always happening and that I had come at the perfect time to enjoy the last of an Indian summer and meet this wonderful group of people. For what I consider a small French town, I was amazed at the diversity of interesting people and English speakers living here.
 France garden
We started our days with family breakfast and a blessing over our meal. Then proceeded to read a chapter from “A Course in Miracles”, followed by a group hug, which officially began our day. Garden work and large lunches were the theme. Mo is a potter and I got to see the kiln be fired twice. She started her spiritual journey in India by jumping in the deep end. Joining an ashram and shaving her head, she experienced her transformation moment to moment and it gives me great excitement to hear her stories. David does wonderful work with wood and examples of both their works adorn the property.  Before retiring from their spiritual retreat they taught sacred geometry and the flower of life courses. David and I broach a wide variety of spiritual topics and conversations about the spiritual journey which keep us up most nights with eager enthusiasm.
David’s spiritual path looks so similar to mine it almost stuns me in the simplicity of story line. Young man becomes disillusioned with life prescribed by society, seeks spiritual path, is called to start a center and teach from the heart, lives this way and finds great peace and joy. David is the first male role model in my life to have done anything similar to what I am trying to attempt. From the general vibe of daily life and being 40 years my senior I am in for a wonderful ride. The fluidity of changing minds is so much easier today than it was 40 years ago. I can only guess at what leaps of consciousness and love can be achieved during my lifetime. It is such a pleasurable thought to have been called to this path, and while I don’t know the particulars of how my story will unfold, I trust in the same source that brought me this far, and to this experience, to provide the rest of the amazing story line.
 Vesica Pisces from Space
*A 55 foot Vesica Pisces cut into their grass as seen from satellite, sacred geometry
David’s passion is the theme of sacred geometry, in that all of life is connected. After having been exposed to the material it is quite amazing how all of life comes out of this simple and powerful principal. From plants and flowers to fertilized eggs, all of life works with these principals and follows the patterns of sacred geometry. There is also a meditation associated with this knowledge that sets up an energy field around you so that you may interact and experience your connection to the oneness of life. It may just be that I arrived here under such perfect conditions just to learn this one thing, but I would say that I learned and experienced so much more.
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The loving compassion in which David and Mo welcomed me into their lives and shared all that they have goes beyond words. The pure feeling of waking up each day, knowing that I was taken care of like a young child with loving parents is indescribable. I have been working hard to allow myself to be taken care of, whether by friends, strangers, or the universe itself. I have always been happy to take care of others and in the end I turned it into a shield against experiencing the same in return. To return to the knowing and feeling of being totally safe and with loved ones is a remembering of our true nature. We are always taken care of and this flow comes to us unrelenting and in abundance if we but learn to allow it. The shape and circumstances may always be different, but with the loving intention to flow with life, is to experience the love of life. I will be forever thankful for this gift and seek to be an example of it so that others may know this feeling.
 castle kitchen
The coincidences during my stay are beyond number, but one must be mentioned. I got to visit a real chateau and was amazed in the beauty and charm this building, older than the United States itself, held in its walls. During lunch in the village though, everyone greets fellow customers, and I made the acquaintance of Robin, a local healer and I am sure a very interesting person. In our short 3 minute introduction he gave me a litany of recommendations for India and offered to put me up in a house of his in northern India inhabited by Tibetans. I just have to laugh at how easily opportunities show up where available to help you along. It had been my strong and hourly intention to bring amazing experiences, people, music, resources, and food into my life. Of course it’s going to show up and sometimes what looks like a dramatic and wild offering seems simply perfect from one seeker to another. Releasing the resistance to universal source showing up in your life allows strangers to offer you what you desire. Only a short time ago this scenario might have been met with hesitation from myself, but I am in gratitude that I am evolving into a receiver of the intentions I make no matter what form they arrive in.
 mo and dacid
10 days have disappeared in a blink and yet each moment was lived fully and with great joy. I have a day at Lourdes for prayer and meditation, followed by my second Vipassana course and then off to India. As David confirmed, I am not going to India to learn anything, just to experience a way of living so that I may better manifest into my life that which brings the greatest joy. You reach a point where you don’t need to learn anything anymore. At first you pass a stage of gathering as much information as possible. Everything is novel and excites that deep place of knowing within you that recognizes truth. Another stage arrives where one goes quiet and must practice and experience this knowing. When something is needed you will know it when it is needed or be led to the knowing. One need not strive anymore to gather knowledge around oneself, but understands that all things  show up at exactly the right moment. I am entering this stage and I must say from the few experiences of this principal, it is true and beyond amazing. The stuff magic and dreams are made of, but accessible at every moment. We truly live in a miraculous reality
 france barn
I finish my experience in southern France with my trip to Lourdes. This was the source that set the previous experiences into motion and it doesn’t fail to delight either. Upon reaching the church grounds I can already feel my vibration raising to the level of healing. Old patterns forcing their way to the surface to flee this pureness. I arrive at mass and participate, even taking the body of Christ as I learned as a child. A symbolic act of aligning with the vibration of experience. I meditate and pray for around two hours as peoples faces and words of blessing form easily in my mind. I am alone in this great cathedral and the silence is amazing. I explore my interior space as well in light of my new merkaba energy field that is energizing me and my intentions.
  spring
On my break I stroll the grounds and find that the grey rain clouds have turned to sunny blues. How many times will I write about such experiences before they begin to bore my readers I wonder? I find the famous grotto with the healing spring. I pay my respects with the few others here on this perfect fall day. I then wash my face, jewelry, and fill my bottles with this holy water. It tastes fresh and crisp when I bring it to my lips and radiates a pleasant vibration from my stomach. I continue my leisurely stroll sipping holy water and relaxing into the peace of mind and body I have come to know as my daily experience. As my vibration continues to rise to match this water, I am healed. Healing being a state of being that expresses itself without resistance. I watch as little unconscious thoughts or habits come to the surface and are washed away without a second thought. Just being here is enough, the experience of a higher vibration is the healing, and above all else I choose to see things differently. Bless you all and may you find your way to perfect peace and harmony.
 france buddha
Resources for traveling:
Workaway
Also
Woofing: only for organic farming

 

Health and Energy management, with your awareness.

Continued from Sweden Part 1:
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You have an amazing power within you. With your awareness you can participate with your body in a relationship of understanding to maintain and promote optimal health. You must cultivate this power with patience and trust, but once you have a degree of how it works the possibilities are endless. To be in communication with the signals from your body, the vehicle in which you express your beingness, extends far beyond being physically healthy.   I will attempt to contain the scope of information to physical health, but remember this process applies to every area of your life, including mental, emotional, and spiritual.  It is my sincere hope that you learn to use and master your “emotional guidance system” as coined by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

I dont get sick.  Not ever and I just dont believe in it.  Meaning I believe in my health, and that I am always healthy.  I am not so foolish to think that pathogens do not enter my body and are fended off by my immune system.  I believe in a healthy and perfect immune system.  Obviosuly self re-enforcing experiences promote this conclusion and I support what currently is or I would create something better.  However I see people in various degrees of sickness all the time.  Sick in bed, sick at work, sick at school, apathetic kinds of sick and serious kinds of sick, pain so overwhelming manners go out the window and you would donate this pain to your best friend if it would just go away.  There are other kinds of sick as well, sick of working, sick of monotany, even sick of living I am sure.  Understand that the physical world is the slowest state of vibration. Meaning slowest to change and typically the last place for symptoms to show up. Higher vibrations such as mental or emotional forms are always the source of illness in the body, long ignored and thus manifested physically.   What sickness comes down to in my understanding is probably just two things.  Inability to manage vital body energy, and the inability to listen to your body signals.  

Vital body energy is your available energy to function and includes all your biological processes.  If you run out of this energy, you would be left without any resources to do much of anything.  If you can recall the last time you were sick in bed, perhaps you understand what it is like to have no extra energy other than be at the end result of the disease doing battle with your immune system.  You probably lack the energy to move much, eat, read, use brain power and manage anything but resting.  You may even feel like dieing, metaphorically of course, but this feeling isnt so far from the physical truth.  Managing your vital energy then is to never let it fall below a point where you are at the mercy of required body functions.  With regard to health, if you maintain enough energy you will never have the physical experience of being sick.

Your major energy souce is obviosuly the intake of food converted to energy via digestion and surplus energy stored  in your body.  Other sources are more intangable.  We all live within an energy field and are constantly interacting with it.  Think of all the electrons holding your body together, this constitutes a field.  One major source of energy is the Earth itself.  Placing your bare feet on the earth instantly connects you to a flow of free electrons which naturally settle in your body to balance out the particles missing them.  Similar to this source is contact with all living and non living entities.  Huging a tree, embracing a human, petting the cat, touching stones, making dinner or anything else you come into contact with exchanges energy that can bring energy into your system or give it away. Think at the atomic level, everything your hand touches instantly connects to and then seperates from the electrons of the object being touched.  Having communicated in some tangable way the sensation of the object to your hand (Hard, soft, cold, warm, rough, smooth, etc.)  That is energy and information moving in the field, giving you valuable sensations and guidance.  This transfer of information is happening with everything, all the time and understanding it will allow us a measure of control in our response to new signals.

Energy loss similarly occurs in many ways that are obvious and some that are more subtle in nature.  Using your body physically and mentally requires the largest costs of energy and this is to be expected.  40% of your energy costs may go into using your brain for complex thought processes alone, with major contributions to digestion, elimination, and muscle recovery following up.  Im going to lump the other costs into one category: stressors.  Any time you are in a state of resistance you can easily feel the sensation of it.  Stress is basically a chronic state of energy loss. Whether these are physical stressors such as ingesting toxins or emotional stressors from work or relationships, they cost you energy.

Maintaining vital body energy then is gathering and retaining enough energy in your system than all the stressors costs you.  To be feeling rundown would be to cost yourself enough energy that you dip into the red and spend more energy on physical or emotional stressors than is being balanced by energy input.  To become sick is the same state, but you introduce a disease process into the mix.  This creates a physical experience of pain or suffering felt immediatly in the body without resources at your disposal to change the circumstance.  Thus finding the proper balance of energy, will keep you from this low energy experience and in a state of health.  To know if you are in a proper environment, by environment I mean a physical, emotional and mental state of being stress free, falls to your wonderful internal system of signaling that is constantly informing you moment to moment of your energy state and your environments effects on you.

Listening to your body signals and emotions:
How often does that little voice in your head suggest something to you?  How often do you listen?  More importantly how often do you act upon that suggestion?  Training your awareness to listen to this internal guidance and intuition starts building the foundation of understanding the energy changes happening to your body at the moment of occurance.  They need not be ‘voices’, any pang, poke, buzz, stab, flutter, gut instinct, emotional state or any sensation at all is the same thing.  This is a process of trusting small seemingly insignificant messages which are actually the continual state of change which you can tap into.  Your body is designed to be a reciever of this information always, but your active participation and awareness are needed to do anything useful with this information.  The key is to start acting on each piece of information.  You dont go from getting advice such as exercise a bit more or slow down on the drinking, to major knowledge overnight.  This is because if you cant listen to the easy changes, managing a big change which might turn various areas of your life upside down for a bit, would end up costing you more energy than staying in your current state of misery. (But really they are all small changes depending on your viewpoint…shhh)

This is exactly what happened for me and my diet.  I had begun to listen to my body and started working on some smaller changes and things were begining to change.  I was sitting on the couch one evening and this plesant sensation sprang on me out of nowhere.  Soon my own voice spoke to me in my head and said “How would you like to be vegetarian?”.  It didnt really use the word vegetarian, it was a bigger concept all rolled into a simple meaning that was transmitted to me.  That is one clear indicator of true inner guidance, it speaks in concepts.  I understood at once, without words, that if I follow this advice this plesant feeling would be a part of a lifestyle of eating healthier and more in tune with my body’s wishes.  It didnt even take me half a thought to say yes and thus started the moment I have been meat free.  I looked back on this event from a few months down the road and it was amazing the transformation that took place.  I didnt even have a last meal, cannot remember the last piece of meat I ate or have I once craved or desired meat since.  I feel sorry for anyone that makes such a lifestyle decision for purely mental reasons and struggles against their body signals.  

I gained more than I thought in that moment.  I had been wanting to cook more, eat healthier, and experiment with varied cuisines.  These were all little desires in my head and I was trying to work with them, but only in small ways.   Switching a staple food from my diet instantly forced me in the best possible way to explore new foods and styles and I have been forever happier from this experience.  The same process occured when alcohol left my life.  Had you told me at the begining I wouldn’t be eating meat, drinking or eating French fries anymore I might have told those voices no way.   I needed enough energy to manage the transformation, and enough trust in the guidance to see it through.  What really costs you is the resistance from outside sources such as established habits, friends and environments that attempt to keep you in stasis with how you used to be.  Having enough energy to stick with your body’s guidance no matter the criticism or disbelief or advice from others that contradicts the information you have received is really the test.

In my recent case in Sweden, I was opening a stuck emotional and energetic space in me that was ready to be cleared.  Whatever the cause, physical or emotional, the signals roughly tend to be similar.  The day before I noticed early on the extra demands for energy.  A lack of enthusiasm, a diminished vocal capacity and need to express myself in speech, slight muscle ache as my body repaired itself slower.  I understood that a process was happening to me, that this was going to require energy, my participation was requested, and thus I acted accordingly.  I cancled all my plans, I rested and I fasted*.  I could easily have kept along with my plans, I would have been tired, but I could have kept going like so many people do day in and day out.  Never feeling their best, but certainly can go on.  Despite our belief that multitasking is efficient and a skill to be honed, we can actually only process one task at a time.  Human beings are only very efficient at ‘switching’ between tasks rapidly which looks like multitasking.  Thus instead of multitasking and taking on the job of processing this healing phase and continuing about my daily life I chose the higher priority: My health.  My health is my number one priority, because without health the possibility to enjoy life is drastically diminished.  That isnt to say I am perfect, but when I am aware enough, I make the best choice available to my understanding.  I gave my body one day and all my energy to literally transmute something physical needing to be changed and woke up the next day perfectly recovered and ready to ride some roller coasters.  Why this particular process required so much energy and a physical response I may never know, but I have been living in and experiencing the new (actually old) emotions coming out of this space and gaining more awareness into my inner world.  If you ever find yourself heading towards a healing phase or see the signs of an oncoming sickness, pay attention and perhaps the this information will be of use.

*Fasting: There is substantial research on the effect of fasting for health.  A typical human body can go around 30-90 days without food before the demand for sustenance returns.  During this abstaining process the substantial demands of energy for digestion are instead used for healing and house cleaning purposes.  Many miraculous healings are attributed to following a fasting regimine under physician guidance.  A short fast of 3-10 days can improve many simple ailments and knock out simple sicknesses if started early and ample rest is added.
  
Steps to start managing your energy and signals:

-Energy coming into your system:
The nourishment you consume is directly the energy that will be available to you.  You are literally what you eat as it becomes the building blocks of new cells.  Eating as clean as possible will allow your body to easily digest the food and turn it into energy.  This is your one real responsibility concerning managing your body directly, everything else is mostly an internal process handled without your conscious involvement.  Remember, digestion costs energy, thus eating properly mixed foods, light on time consuming meat products will leave you with energy after digestion and will not cost you a nap (think of the thanksgiving nap effect of over eating).

-Remove all artificial products from your diet.  High on the list is artificial sugars, chemicals and msg.  Not only does your body treat these substances as toxins and thus must expend extra energy to contain and expel them, they are neuro toxins inhibiting your brain’s normal signals.  This physically reduces your awareness over such body signals as satiation, craving, addiction, and signs of distress.  If those chemicals didnt give your brain a boost of pleasure, you would feel immediatly the toxic effects of these substances rather than feeling the effects at a delayed response.  Read your labels!  If you consume many processed and packaged foods or fast food, tough as it might be to change your habits, try to eliminate as many of these energy costs as possible.

-Reduce your intake of meat.  
Muscle fibers are the toughest food substances for the body to break down. If you want more energy available to you the first place you can recover some is from reducing the work load on your digestive system.  Most meats take up to 14 hours to fully break down, so remember to really chew.  Several studies have shown that meat and dairy consumption over a certain limited amount may cause many of the “Western Diseases” due to inflamation such as coronary disease, diabetes, obesity, and cancer.  Your body is an amazing machine able to digest much of the variety of foods ingested across the globe.  However too much of certain foods your body already spends a lot of energy digesting actually reach a point where your body goes into defense mode rather than digestion, storing these extra toxins as fat because it cannot expel the material quickly enough without auto intoxicating. 

-Try switching as much of your dairy intake to non cow sources such as goat.  Goat dairy lacks the casien protien found in cow milk which studies show human beings have a hard time digesting. This is also why babies are given goat milk if the mother cannot provide. 

-Reduce drastically or permanently alcohol use.
As for alcohol, moderation is key. Unless you are seriously committed to retaining every bit of energy and awareness, alcohol will continue to cost you some degree of energy and will, as its primary effect reduce your awareness.  These effects resolve themselves usually by the next morning and based on your desire to be more aware, consumption is at your discretion.  

-Begin to meditate.
Any kind of meditation will serve the purpose here, which is to pay more attention to your state of being.  Stop for a moment and really check in with your body.  Really feel what is going on there.  You live in this amazing thing and the amount of senses it contains which are always giving you feedback is astounding.  Having a clear mind really helps with this, but isnt required to begin to benefit.  Your body knows what is needed at all times to be in a state of health and is constantly trying to tell you.  There will be no major roadsigns or sheets of instructions.  There will be subtle sensations and feelings, always guiding you towards the one state of health if you choose to listen.  Our minds and egos would love to do steps 1-2-3 and be finished, but managing our energy is a moment to moment responsibility.  

-Learn Kinesiology, also known as Muscle Testing.
If you are seriously interested in learning a direct technique to ask your body questions and get answers then this is the method for you.  It requires two people to be done, but it can be learned to be done solo.  This technique tests the energy state of the body in response to a stimuli.  There is a small amount of electricity in the body at all times.  If a positive stimuli is tested on the body it will remain strong, likewise if a negative stimuli is tested, it interupts your circuitry and your body will go weak.  It’s pretty cool once you experience it for yourself. The trust comes when something gives you a negative response, perhaps something you like to eat, will you remove it from your diet or not listen to the information your body gives you? Things may change again in the future, but if you cannot experiment with changes in your habits and exercise some self control to see things change then hold onto this technique until you are ready.  I will devote an entire post to this single topic as I use it every day of my life.  In the mean time please read David Hawkins “Power Vs. Force” which is certainly at the top of the list in being informative as to the studies and power of this technique.  The begining is a bit heady on the science, but then it mellows out into easy reading.
 
Once a certain degree of communication is reached between your body and awareness, the process becomes automatic.  You will feel the instant something goes off or goes right.  You can then at that moment start a new process of self discovery into the cause of the change.  Did something I just consume cause a noticable difference?  Did my environment change in some way?  Did my emotional state just change?  Am I feeling my best, and if not what can I change?  These changes are happening all the time, below the surface of common awareness.  To give them the attention they deserve is the first step in listening to what they tell you.  Which leads to following what guidence you understand.  This will leave you with a better internal communication system, better health and the knowledge that you can always take care of yourself because the guidence is always present and speaking with you.  Your body is the very instrument, like a string always vibrating.   

“Remember this pain is not to cause you suffering, this pain is to make you more aware!”  -OSHO

Become more aware and pains of all sorts begin to melt away.  Other pangs and pains may appear to guide you as your new guidance system develops which is how I mostly receive my guidance.  Leave the judgements at the door and be thankful for any sensations in your body. They are all messages whether ‘painful’ or ‘pleasurable’. Gaining a greater degree of physical health leads inevitably to greater emotional, psychological and spiritual health.  You have started on the journey.  Blessings.

-Other resources for further research
Most of this information first reached my understainding by books and recommendations.  Here are many that fit within this topic and I hope they help you as much as they did me.
– www.earthing.com – Products for grounding your body inside a home or workspace to gather those free electons.  I use one of these everytime I work on a computer and I sleep with one of these every night!
– Ask and it is Given, By Esther and Jerry Hicks –  Teaching by Abraham about using your emotional guidance system to manifest anything you want, including your health.  Another comprehensive resource on listening to your body signals.
– Green for Life, By Victoria Boutenko – The importance and ease of including a green smoothie in your diet to fulfill your actual nutritional needs.  This is like rocket fuel when consumed for breakfast!
– Fasting and Sunbathing, By Robert Shelton –  The resource on fasting.  Dr. Shelton has supervised over 50,000 water fasts for health and healing of disease.  http://www.soilandhealth.org/02/0201hyglibcat/020127shelton.III/020127.toc.htm
– Forks Over Knives, Film.  Information about the health benefits of eating a whole foods, plant based diet to combat many “Western Diseases” that we face today.  Covers research from two prominent scientists and the China Study.  
– The China Study – http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_China_Study
 A 20 year comprehensive study into nutrition and its effects on humans.