Finding myself in The Path of Love

Posted on July 5, 2015 by japanesecrouton

Beloveds,

I have something to share with you

I am a self-critical, judgmental, angry, emotionally repressed, pretender. I have lived my life with a mask of being a good boy, peaceful, spiritual, grown up, with an air of having it all together in an effort to keep everyone happy and slightly removed so I would not have to feel any real emotion, commitment, or fear; to live life all on my own without any support. I lived as if this was the truth, that my mind had all the answers, that I didn’t need to change and I conveniently pushed all this to the side and kept it hidden from my consciousness. Until now; the ego can’t live forever after all.

Stepping back in time a moment, we can watch a beautiful process unfold of the universe stepping into my life to shine light on these wonderfully true aspects of myself, then stepping into the space of love, and being reborn into the beautiful essence I have always been, while dropping this mask of a personality.

I find myself once again in India, at the Osho International Meditation Resort, working as part of the staff to extend my visit. I am struggling again slightly with the money and bureaucracy issues while enjoying tremendously the meditation community of people and self-development. I am having special difficulty and insights about this thing called mind. For the first time I can clearly see the mind as a separate entity, completely it’s own thing, and wildly the most insane, ADD child, I have ever met. It picks up anything it can get its hands on, plays with it for two seconds and throws it in the corner the instant it sees something new. Not only is this really annoying, it is getting in the way of everything I love because I have no control over this tiny monkey.

Flash forward a month and a half into my experience here: I am in a high stress job, feeling burnt out on working, missing out on connecting with many friends due to no time, missing out on opportunities, and I am putting a smile on everything because that’s what I do. Suddenly, Sambhavo walks into my office, a group facilitator and friend who says:

Sambhavo: “I’ve been looking for you”

Me: “I know, you need to pay for your program”

S: “No, no, no, I am holding a spot for you in the Path of Love”

M: shocked a bit

M: “Why did you just say that to me?”

S: “I don’t know why, it just came out!”

My mind was absent, or in shock, and suddenly there were just a few steps before me. The universe just quietly pushed me along without any resistance; check the program costs, check the requirements, see if they will let me off work, fill out the paperwork, have an interview, pack up my room, find a new place to live, get cash, pay, take a breath and jump into a 7 day intensive, super secretive, most money I’ve ever spent on myself in one go process called The Path of Love.

*That’s what commitment looks like

Leading up to this huge, yet deceptively easy decision were many friends approaching me and sharing their own stories about Path of Love. I hadn’t been inquiring mind you, but many people in just a few days told me how transforming and wonderful the process was. A few good friends of mine were also going to staff on this PoL and shared their input. Somehow the universe just prepared me, without my awareness, so that when the moment came I couldn’t think about it, but rather just act out of instinct. It became the most important decision of my life and I didn’t really have to decide very much.

When you look back at your life, all the most important decisions and events aren’t planned; they just happen. It’s hard to see it at the time, but hindsight is pretty good. I felt in the moment that if I thought about what I was doing I would talk myself out of it. Instead I just walked the path laid before me with trust and knowing it felt right. 7 days later I walked out into the sunlight a new person, quite literally.

While I cannot talk about the process itself, I can share all of my realizations; the biggest being the birth of my heart centered self. Through the work I came quickly to the understanding that I have been wearing a mask my whole life. A pretenders mask of being the “good boy”, so that I might hide my authentic emotions of being angry or sad, for fear of upsetting others and not knowing their reactions. A mask aimed to keep the status quo and people at an emotionally safe distance so that I wouldn’t have to feel any pain of separation, aloneness or any of my self judgement/criticism. My biggest question going into this process was a distinction between non attachment and being shut off emotionally. I could never find a concrete answer to this difference until this course. I realized that I have lived my whole life without awareness of the depth of my emotions. Surely they exist and I experience them as I am not a robot, but my experience of them, being overpowered by them, using them, allowing them to the surface, really tasting each emotion, was completely shut down. This started as my coping mechanism from 6 years old when my parents divorced. I decided right then and there to be a grown up, to solve any problems that arose, to be a good boy and cause no trouble, not to ask for anything, and to take care of myself. Well all those things are backwards, as no child or even adult knows how to do all that, and yet I lived with this belief and strategy for 24 years, strengthening it each moment.

There came an experience in this process where after accepting these facts at a deep level and understanding how and why I behave like I do, the mask suddenly dropped. I saw myself for the first time without pretending to be something. My face was radiantly alive with joy and tears. My tension was gone. I felt as if I finally saw myself like God sees me; as a perfect creation, alive, good, full of love and peace, and that there has never been anything wrong with me ever. In that moment I knew the mask known as Torey was finished and my pure essence had begun it’s new life. I jumped into a state of newborn ecstacy, where every look, touch, taste, and thought was new. I explored everything with an aliveness and newness I’ve never known. It was so beautiful and transforming to know this energy exists in me always, along with every range of emotion, and that this is what it means to be embodied and what a gift that truly is.

Through a deep sense of longing and prayer, I also knew it was time to dedicate myself to walking this path of truth. Before, being spiritual was easy, a few meditations, reading some books, acting good and nice, and spouting off whatever lessons I had learned. Walking the path is much more difficult actually. It is a constant re-commitment to truth. To finding out who you are and how to let the divine into you. It is so much effort and courage, to burn with a passion and longing to always know the truth. The mind’s whole effort is to make life easy by putting us into the sleep of comfort. Walking the path is a constant stirring of the pot so that in fact no comfort exists for the mind, no room to take control and become master again. The heart, feeling, and pure essence are king here and the mind a tool to be used surely, but not ruler of the kingdom. To recommit yourself everyday is a true effort, using the intensity of your physical, emotional, and spiritual practices, but one I am happy to make now that I have seen the difference.

For this reason I decided to take and was given sannyas on the last day of this process to anchor this knowing. Sannyas for me was always a dedication to walking the path of truth, mediation, and awareness, but contained a special emphasis on letting go of the old and starting a new commitment. PoL gave me exactly that experience, as the personality I had carried for so long died, and my essence was born as Premraj. This new name, meaning “king of love” or “ruled by love”, serves as a constant reminder of my true essence, a guide post that will always be a reminder when I do fall asleep, to keep my heart awake, alive, and full of love. To feel the radiant spectrum of emotions that exists in me and keep digging deeper and deeper to awaken the Buddha in me. Both prem, meaning love, and raj, meaning king, would never have been names I took for myself. When I was given this name though, it was like music being played on my heart. I was given this name by someone who could see into my essence and called forth what I am. A wise and just leader, who is strong yet merciful, one who has great treasures to share, and is able to balance himself and the kingdom he overlooks with ease and with love.

*Pre Path of Love photo

After being out of the process for a few weeks I came to a new understanding of what I really gained. I’ll have to be honest first; coming back to the world from this depth of being with oneself was at once explosively amazing and slightly crushing. I exited my silence and confinement into a world of friends and loved ones who immediately saw a deep transformation in me. My presence, feeling, hugs, power, sexual energy, masculine energy, and open eyes blew everyone away. Sometimes it was too much for them, and sometimes too much for me to take a whole person so totally into my being. The very next day I had my sannyas celebration before the whole community. The crowd to hug and support me was the most anyone has seen in a long while. I had to be lifted onto the shoulders of my dear friend Adam and really feeling like a king, accept all this love and joy, to honor who I have become. This was the high followed by the low of retreating back into myself and my own space. With each new encounter, I was able to explore how I responded to the world and people. What I found, what changed in me, turned out to be only one thing. I learned how to trust myself. Suddenly I found that the fear of living life was gone. Situations where I normally would have avoided, or shut off emotionally, I could face head on without feeling scared. I could step into that space with my power and emotions intact and experience it. All my pretending and avoidance was gone and each time I kept surprising myself by doing something new.

*Post Path of Love photo

This truly was the gift I received. To trust myself, trust the guidance of the universe, to trust love and the support of all human beings who want only my highest good. A strong realization came to me during PoL, we all have fears, hurts, longings, desires, hopes, needs and while the story might be a little different we really are all the same in essence. The fact that as a species we aren’t openly talking about how we really feel is perhaps the saddest thing I have ever come to know. Such a simple, yet terrifying effort to expose ones true self, and the whole world would come to know that your neighbor is the same as you. That everyone is just as scared as you, as hurt as you, as hopeful as you, as longing for love and support as you. I look now at everyone with such compassion because I know everyone has a deep wound that they carry, and they may not know anything about it, but I do, and I can interact with them in such a way as to share great love and caring and hold a space of compassion for their being.

To be seen is what every human being really wants. To be seen with eyes of truth and be accepted for who you really are is a foundation of love. To see a person at their core and accept them for their humanness and in turn be accepted, contains all the spiritual effort one needs to practice. I saw into people and ended up making lasting friendships because nothing can shake the truth of what was witnessed. We may all slip back into being the personality we have carried for our lives, but nothing can take away the truth of seeing another clearly.

The depth of being that was experienced, the limitless amount of energy, the overwhelming support of the staff and growth in love was enough to turn me in a new direction. Understanding that this inner place of truth can be called out and touched, I want to dedicate my work to helping bring it out in myself and others. This is what holds value between human beings and has touched me as it touches every PoL participant. The effort is ongoing and once the taste of the possibilities are known, your life is changed forever. May clear communication and love flower amongst the hearts of all, until we realize we are all one essence. Love and blessings on your personal journey.

Check out the Path of Love for yourself:

http://www.pathoflove.net/

Transformation of the Self: when life has lost its juice

Posted on May 22, 2015 by japanesecrouton

Beloveds,

Have you ever woken up one day to find your interest in life lackluster? Have you looked around and found the feeling that there is nothing worth living for? No passion to do anything, no life force left to fight, a numbness blanketing everything and a burning question of what and why is this happening to me again?

Personal development isn’t always the bright light we find at the end of the journey. Often the biggest changes and growth come through the pain of resistance. We long for a change to come, even understanding sometimes what is blocked, but for the strangest reason some piece of our being just won’t let go and move into love. I have always been interested in this process because it affects me so often and somehow I never remember what’s happening to me until I remember what’s happening. I hope you may benefit by my experience, sparking a remembering and alignment, in your time of need.

Pressure. Overwhelming pressure. Blocked. Strained. Drained. Resistance. Lethargy. Lost. Up, down, and sideways. Confusion. Depressed. Feeling no juice in life and that it may never be bright again. No reason or energy to do anything. Just plain dead, before death. Hopeless.

Take a deep breath, you have been through this before and even though it feels like the first time, like it won’t end, like you will never find anything worth living for, you still know, at least intellectually, that it will pass and you will be better for it. The feeling however is very real and no self talk, cheering up or distractions are going to fix this immediately. To quote rumi:

“Hold me in the fire,

And although I die,

I know for whom and why”

This is the physical transformation experience. After the decision to change was made deep inside. After the conceptual ideas and feelings about change happened. We have reached the last step, the slowest and most dense plane, the physical body, which now must catch up with the faster energetic plane. These changes may have been from months ago which explains the disconnect from your thoughts and the physical changes taking place. The need for the mind to understand what is happening is so strong, but so useless, that we fight this process to the bitter end and wonder why this misery has befallen us.

This is the epitome of spiritual practice, and a perfect time, in light of this formidable resistance, to discover more about yourself and your ability to transform. This is the moment when all those spiritual self help books and blogs are needed most, but least likely to be heard. The question is “can I embrace and make friends (become neutral, resistance free, dis-identified) with this pressure, this anxiety, this fear, and ultimately a feeling I don’t want to be experiencing?”

This is time for trust, for patience, for deep breathing. Ultimately this is out of your control, like a roller coaster that just crested the top of the main climb, there is no turning back; only how much you want to fight the ride. Once you realize you are on a ride, at least you can stop wondering whats going on. Try to find that comforting, because at least you are no longer lost. Like birth, you decided many months ago to bear a child and now on one day this incredible pressure and feeling is in you. You must finish this decision for there is no turning back. In an instant a transformation of self will be and everything will change. You will give birth to your new self, but you must go through the trial first.

It is this very trail by fire we call suffering. Human nature is to suffer, but we don’t have to get upset about it. Once this process has happened a few times, it is likely that you know at some point it will pass, as all things must, but of course the immediate feeling is something we humans dislike greatly and depending on your inner level of calmness, perhaps hate and rage against. You can literally fight this transformation process until it finally finishes and suffer greatly or in an instant of true realization help the transformation take place and viola! You pop through the other side.

The steps for this process are generally similar, starting with your inner awareness and communication. The feeling that shows up is generally the same but a different scenario each time and thus confuses us greatly until we identify what is happening. The first few days something just feels off. Perhaps less energy, an un-explainable lethargy while feeling physically fine, accompanied by a growing desire to know and figure out just “what” about this feeling is off. If you are coming up with continual new ideas of what It could be and not settling on one, it is probable you are in the middle of a transformation process. Another signal could be a slight nagging somewhere in your body with a sore point, like an ache, to which no physical counterpart actually exists. This signal is often the clearest yet most misunderstood device. Something from your unconscious depths is rising to the surface looking for the light of day. Often a knot in your back, shoulders, chest or neck, although it can show up anywhere. You may rub this point as much as you like but it never eases the source. At this point you can begin to make the connection. This is energetic, something trapped inside is ready to release and is climbing the metaphorical hill to ride the roller coaster. Whether you catch on here or when you crest the hill, you will only realize when you realize this transformation process is what’s happening to you.

The next step is to acknowledge the pressure, energy, stuck-ness, and make friends with it. This is where all the spiritual self help comes in handy. How to see this unwanted feeling and be friendly with it? We don’t question joy when it visits us; asking why has it come and when it will kindly be on its way. But for pain and suffering this is the only question we repeat over and over. What did I do, why is this happening, how can I fix this, how do I get rid of this, okay if you go away I’ll do this, if I could just figure this out ill be okay! But none of these questions will ever resolve it, but only make it stick around because it is not a question and there is no answer. You are fighting with your self, your ego, and that is a circle that can continue for as long as you have energy to fight. We have become so identified with the physical feeling that we have forgotten a simple truth: we are not this feeling. We are the inner awareness that is watching this feeling and process unfold. Being friendly means stepping back into our centered awareness and just watching the feeling be there until it leaves on its own; rather than madly questioning why we have become this overwhelming feeling.

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.” – Rumi

A different approach must be taken. This is tricky because human beings want to be cunning and cleaver at this moment. We devise some method of bargaining to alleviate the pain. A this for that strategy which is really telling your unconscious I don’t have any power, but please be merciful as I still fight you. We have one recourse, friendliness, non attachment, neutrality, let go, compassion for the self. These are all the same thing in respect to this phenomenon so choose what feels best. We acknowledge that this feeling is present. Perhaps with playfulness say “Oh, isn’t that interesting. Look what showed up today”. Tell it that it is a welcome guest as long as it likes and to do whatever it needs, because we know at the end of their stay our life and feeling will be better for it. To do this truthfully is the only thing you ever need to learn. This is the same knack in every spiritual practice on earth. To honestly befriend the reality of life with no restraint, no cunningness, no bargaining and just let it be there with you. To watch with awareness while not becoming identified with the feeling. In that exact moment, a switch flips and you are on the other side. Pressure gone or on its way out. You are transformed.

Learning how to truly let go, to be honest, is very difficult and yet the simplest thing. It happens all the time, but to participate with it knowingly is a different task altogether. You can’t deceive your own inner self. Next time you can’t just say “oh let’s be friends”, I’ve done this before and don’t have time for you now, and wonder why it didn’t resolve itself and get upset. The true let go is a subtle and fine art of embracing the suffering and even finding joy in the process because conceptually we know it’s for the best even when everything tells us we feel like we might be dying.

Even if you honestly let go early on in the process you may need to ride the metaphorical bus for the duration and reach the destination. Of course it will be an interesting ride all the same, but as we ride that bus from the beginning to the end many aspects of your inner being will try to drive the bus. I like to have my spirit as the conductor. He knows the destination and will lead me there gently and without delay. However when my fear gets a hold of the wheel, this bus be rocking left and right as fear tries to flip the bus over, turn it around, or do anything to not reach the destination. It is in this moment, when some aspect wants to hold us back that we kindly acknowledge that we have a new driver and ask our spirit, or whoever you like driving your bus of transformation, to step back in and take over. Trust once again that we are headed to a destination of our choosing and that we will reach there without that other idiot crashing the bus.

Coming out of the transformation process is a beautiful thing. Either suddenly or gradually you begin to see beauty again in the world, a passion and energy for living again. You begin to wonder why you ever felt life to be so dull and lifeless when this new thirst for feeling alive is growing. Just as you can’t see the beauty from the depths of resistance, you can’t see the dullness from the energy of being alive. We go back and forth as humans on this pendulum, unless we learn how to stop in the middle; which is enlightenment. Try at this point to remember that just recently you felt so alone, so tired, so out of juice and that life was almost not worth living anymore. So when it visits you again you know how to come out of it quicker and easier.

To truly take the time to invest in your self development, and grow your awareness of yourself around the healing/growing process is a sincere undertaking. It means putting everything aside, sometimes utterly stopping your world, to address the most important and life changing experience that is happening. Waiting is utter foolishness, for in the end, postponement is to continue to suffer. It’s often a challenge to pit the importance of our inner world against that of the outer world and it’s requirements or distractions. At the end of the day though we will still be living in our bodies and every moment given to cleaning house will lessen that anxiety and ultimately lead to a more joyful life experience. I wish upon everyone the awareness to watch this process when next it springs upon you and to traverse it with grace. Make friends with your new strange guests and they may just leave you with the greatest gifts of all.

The Essential Man, Watching Your Life Unfold

Posted on January 6, 2015 by japanesecrouton

osho4105

Greetings beloveds,
I’ve recently found myself living in a state of continued joy and wish to share many realizations about being in this state of vibration and alignment.

“All private goals are neurotic. The essential man comes to know, to feel, “I am not separate from the whole, and there is no need to seek and search for any destiny on my own. Things are happening, the world is moving -call it God…he is doing things. They are happening of their own accord. There is no need for me to make any struggle, any effort; there is no need for me to fight for anything. I can relax and be. ” the essential man is not a doer. The accidental man is a doer. The accidental man is, of course, then in anxiety, tension, stress, anguish, continuously sitting on a volcano. It can erupt any moment, because he lives in a world of uncertainty and believes as if it is certain. This creates tension in his being: he knows deeps down that noting is certain. ” – Osho

What is the essential man? How does one move in the world without struggle, without doing, without wanting something for oneself? I have read this quote on many occasions referring to many different situations. It was not until recently that I experienced acutely the essence and the meaning was finally clear. The difference between an essential man and an accidental man is between watching your life unfold and trying to unfold it yourself. Watching your life unfold is like watching a movie, many things happen in the movie, but you are watching from the theater, along for the ride, knowing perhaps the direction of the story, but not actually what will happen. Trying to unfold your life is watching that same movie and trying to help change the plot and in so doing, losing sight of the overall direction. Yelling at the screen, throwing popcorn, and getting all in a huff over a simple story. Our lives are those simple stories, beautiful and special, being played out on the biggest screen we call reality. We are the actors as well as the watcher in the theater; like the movie star watching his own films. If one is relaxed while watching it unfold, enjoying whatever experience is coming, painful or joyful, then one is an essential man, in harmony with the world and oneself. An accidental man is a fighter, trying to change the script in mid sentence, upset to find out that life doesn’t work at that speed. The scene is set, the actors in place, please remember your role and try to enjoy whatever movie you find yourself in. This is the essence of peace and harmony.

I have been living in a special place since arriving in Japan just a short time ago. Before arriving, I was reintroduced to watching my own movie with a smile. I was upset because my story was going slow, so I tried to make it different and was failing miserably. I was moving frantically about trying to think my way out of my own situation. Wondering why each day I didn’t feel my best, why were the good feelings and understanding of my path I usually experienced not present with me now? Feeling lost in my direction, I wanted to do anything to get back on track or shift my experience of feeling lost. I would DO anything to have my life feel better, to release the fear and anxiety of not knowing why, except just accept the fact I was living a story and be okay with that. I had an energy reading and thankfully that nudged me back into place and my ability to see my own movie became clear to me again. How can each of us be reminded of this simple fact – to spend our energy watching our movie rather than trying to change it? Meditation has always helped me step back and see what is and be at peace with that. This time my reminder came from an energy reading which can be highly helpful. Other ways can be a change of environment or having a great conversation with a friend in a time of confusion. Taking a retreat into nature, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, a relaxing bath, exercise, or getting body work are all ways to help create a gap in our tunnel vision of trying to actively change our lives.

This is the essential point of being an essential man or woman; don’t do, try, or struggle to make your life experience that which you think you want it to be. First this indicates that what you are experiencing isn’t what you would like. This means the mind is actively trying to change the script, something is off from our general understanding of joy in our life. Deep down we are lacking in trust, fearful for our direction, because we feel we are not in control. So what to ‘do’ when doing is the wrong action? The goal is to reach a state of being where suddenly you can see that your life is just a story playing out from decisions made before hand. You want it to be different? That is perfectly okay and within your power. We have to stop the fighting of ‘doing’ because it will never change the script. The script is like the direction of your life, point yourself in the right direction and the script writes itself. This is the law of cause and effect, manifestation, and intentions. The script is your current state of affairs and to change that, you must change your direction before hand. The essential man decides his direction and then watches the movie play out. This is the essential difference, knowing and being your direction versus trying to change the experience of the moment. When you know where your movie is heading, the process of watching it unfold is fun and the joy of life. Even if your movie is heading towards a cliff, at least you can relax into the direction and like every movie you have seen before, you watch the movie star go over the cliff. You are no longer trying desperately to skip the scene with the cliff, you can even be excited about that cliff, even if your death is coming with it. Nothing is going to change the script in the short hand so we should relax and just be. Things are happening and there is no need for us to do anything.

1551562_10100252778202541_598133549791555948_n

This doesn’t mean just sitting on the couch all day. Like the actor, you still need to respond to your life story as it is happening. Non-doing, responding, is participating in life, whatever shows up, while doing is trying to be the director. The truth is that in each moment you know who you are and will make the best decisions available to your awareness in that moment. There is no need to plan, to do, to prepare for what is coming. Live what is coming right in the moment. Try to see when you desire something to be different and again relax, and experience what is. Thinking about what to do, is exactly the opposite of the essential man. I am in fact promoting not thinking about your life or future. Thinking is using the mind to decide before hand what you want and how you want it. Responding, is using your entire essence of being to apply yourself to the situation at hand.

I recently had this hit home deeply for me. I have been enjoying Japan each day for the new experiences it brings me and simply letting show up what has been scripted for me, by my own desires and my guidance. My new direction of volunteering in a cafe with a Japanese host, has to be, simply put the most amazing experience of my life. In the small town of Yaizu there is a special community of friends that fuel a wide range of daily experiences, including my personal experience of watching life unfold where each day feels like blissful eternity, daily realizations about my own nature, feeling content with every aspect of my existence, and the special feelings growing in me for my host. Letting each day happen and accepting whatever new experiences were offered is being an essential man. The moment that I, the accidental man, decided he wanted to develop a relationship with my host on his own timescale rather than enjoying each day which had been happening with such delight, came the crash and this realization.

When you have your own private goals, something off script, secret, held back, you become and accidental man, trying to make what isn’t, so. Something as subtle as this, deciding to make a relationship happen, when before it was already happening of its own accord, took me completely out of the space of grace. How often has some simple private goal, some desire unexpressed, kept me from the relaxation of watching my life unfold? This is the real lesson of the quote above, can you distinguish when an aspect of you, ego or mind perhaps, has jumped in and started to fight the existing script rather than watching it unfold. It is such a soft difference that I never saw until now that this was the whole point. Letting go of all goals, all desires, all attachment and only setting the direction your life, is the control we actually have and should exercise. You want to have that relationship? No problem, but please watch the script unfold and don’t make any effort to create one yourself or rush to the scene where a relationship fits in perfectly. Please do set the intention and direction of your life so that a relationship is included in your movie, but leave all the actors and extras and surprises to the director of the universe. As the saying goes, let go and let God.

10347628_10100252777933081_7316649442507602022_n

The feeling of letting go of worry and control is one of deep relaxation and contentment. It is such a paradoxical idea the mind has trouble ever doing it for long periods of time. However, just like speaking and listening are different aspects of the same energy so is doing and watching. When you are speaking, you only say what you know, and when listening you can learn something new. This state of allowing something new, allowing creation to happen is the essence of watching. When you do, you are trying to make what is known continue to be known, effectively using it as a barrier to new experiences and the unknown, uncertainties of life. When we watch our life unfold, new things happen, as if by magic, and our innocence and childlike joy can run free in this type of environment. If you can have even one taste of what true watching feels like instead of doing, the whole pattern becomes clear. Once you know the essence you can always find it again. When you see that everything you want will come to you exactly when you stop trying to make it happen, the wonderful paradoxical nature of our universe opens to you.

“For once, relax a little and simply become an audience to your mind’s play.
Just look with a little detachment. Observe for a bit, but don’t spend too long in that cinema.
Then at some point, you may just come to recognize that you have watched the show many times before, and so there is no longer a need to spend any more time and money there. You will forget about it entirely.
And quite unexpectedly, you may find yourself walking along a path of unchanging joy, light and wisdom.” – Mooji

I am here to tell you as many have before me, that everything you want in life is reached when you can develop a level of awareness, in such that you know when you are watching and when you are doing. All mystics and enlightened beings continually preach awareness for this reason. They have understood that the more awareness you allow in your experience, the more you will be able to notice the essential truths of life. Practice everyday some awareness, be constantly vigilant, and without fail you will see clearly, all in one instant, the difference between watching and doing, your essential nature and the mind. When that happens, a joy will be yours that cannot be taken away, a playfulness will enter your life, a deep relaxation that all is well and taken care of. This essence is what all human being seek and often times call happiness among many other positive attributes. To participate in the unfolding of your life is the greatest freedom and yours by the nature of existence.
May you come swiftly and easily to this understanding.

May all being be happy and free.
Blessings and love,
The Wandering Monk, Scripted by the Universe

An Invitation With My Guides

Posted on October 28, 2014 by japanesecrouton

From the first moments I knew I was in uncharted territory. I have just had an Akashic record reading, an energetic storyline of my life, being told to me by a very talented, albeit kind stranger. I am no stranger myself to the unseen energies and mysteries of the divine world, but being human, I still get expectations that someone can hand me the definitive keys to my life and I’ll feel safe and secure. This reading pretty much handed me the next step in my life and I am feeling a level of contentment rarely experienced. I received exactly what I needed too, with clarifications on expected answers and the surprising information which has delivered a state of grace into my life. Such is the mystery of a stranger clearly explaining your life to you.

“What are the elements, practices, and places that support the experience of my greatest joy, in manifesting an integrated experience of my life’s purpose, including the physical, spiritual, and emotional aspects, and what does that look like in daily life, to bring it quickly and joyously into continued physical manifestation”

This was my question I wanted answered and just reading it is a doozie. This question stems from a lack of concrete movement in the direction I know my life is heading. Basically, like most people I feel a bit lost and coincidentally I have the ability to go anywhere and do anything practically on the planet and that just makes it harder to choose anything. So I was looking for the answers of where to be, what to do, and how to go about it in such a way that I feel fulfilled and happy as it manifests. This question was asked to a wonderful woman who reads the Akashic records. Like all non-local information systems this one contains all the information, in a giant book per-se, about every life, past, present, and future. So you ask a question, and you can get very direct or even surprising answers. You have free will of course to do as you like, but knowing the why and perhaps the how is very comforting. I work in these records myself and wanted as a sub question to know how to get better and clearer information for myself and others. The answers I got were thankfully much what I was expecting, meaning my own intuition and feeling about my life was correct, but I also received some interesting tidbits that have changed my life fundamentally for the best I hope.

“You are experiencing where you are because you have lived two similar lifetimes, while being very talented in the physical world, couldn’t bring your spiritual purpose into your life experience and the difficulty of that caused you to leave the planet early, oddly enough at age 29.”

This was the first statement made and set the context for the rest of the reading. As my current life experience was spelled out to me, I knew that this downturn I’ve experienced over the last months fits this storyline. I’ve always known what I wanted to do in this life and was wondering why I felt such a lack of movement towards pursuing it. The depressive pull from these past lives has been so strong that of course I am going to feel a bit out of place, directionless, with a bit of my joy diminished, but after the dust clears and I reach 30 the jets are on and the work of living my purpose really begins. In short, I am here to help raise the consciousness of myself and anyone truly interested in that endeavor. I’ve known this was going to come in the shape of a meditation community which was confirmed and thus the direction for action was set. I was given some time frames and a bit about how this will begin to unfold, but like all things, I must choose what to do and then follow the energy through. I am to begin with what I have and who I know, to get the energy started and moving, and then the rest of the steps will easily follow. So expect a happy house of meditation with beautiful friends and lifestyle to come in a relatively near future.

I have some personal development to work on as well of course, particularly around my healing work and putting myself out into the world. I had the choice to be a monk and retreat, but that ship sailed, I am here to be in the world and help people live life with a higher consciousness. Specifically I have three things to work on, feeling inadequate, taking on others responsibilities, and wondering am I good enough? This accurately sums up my internal world of trying to justify and legitimize my own knowing, abilities, and wake of transformation I cut in the world. Putting yourself out in the world, to be vulnerable, to do great works and also to be humbled when you fail or falter, is self work everyone can understand and embark upon. It’s scary and transformative and much needed, but having your personal guides step in and lovingly explain it really changes your perspective of actually doing it. So I’ll follow the advice and start doing my healing work in earnest with friends and those seeking guidance. I’ll bring the information which is my responsibility, and let the outcome be the recipients responsibility, and leave the doubt and worry up to my guides and masters. I was given practices to begin and I’ll enjoy that process as my communication gets louder, clearer, and more helpful.

I have an amazing 6 months of experiences ahead of me as I head to Japan, Bali, and India to receive new gifts waiting for me in each place. I will begin to wake up in new ways and expand my own consciousness, love, and healing. Letting go of the worry about my direction and trusting my guides who said that I never need to worry about that again has already opened me up to living in the moment more fully. I am excited and calmed in knowing that all is well, and while I felt lost and directionless, it was all part of a plan and the why has been delivered. That why and storyline puts our human minds at ease so we can best get on with the real work of living joyously. I need to go through these kinds of dilemmas so in my own service to the planet I can better help those receive the healing and alignment of knowing the storyline and thus being at ease.

I find it awe inspiring that I am being guided to Bali for some major transformation work. This also completes my Eat, Pray, Love journey and like Liz Gilbert I too may have a major expansion of love force brought into my life. Not a romantic partner, but continuing the wonderful expansion of opening my heart to ultimate compassion seems to be part of the culture of Bali, of which I’ve never experienced. Bali is the only place on the planet right now I can say I am definitely being guided too. It is like a bright light in the distance and although Japan and India also glow currently, this is like a moth to a flame. I eagerly await this new experience and look forward to the realizations and transformations I can write about after having visited.

Sometimes it takes a direct line to your higher self and guides to get the message through, and sometimes just some courage to do what you know in your heart to be true. I hope I can help bring more resources and information to people interested in getting aligned in their life. When you are feeling a bit lost, the comfort of knowing all is well, just makes life worth living in utter joy.

The surprise gift came actually after the reading was over. Over the rest of my day and the next, this overwhelming sense of relief was present. A sense of non-worry, because for the first time in a long time I was letting my direction unfold, instead of trying to make it happen and fighting against the motionlessness of my dream. Suddenly I knew where I was going, how it was coming about and that I just needed to watch it happen. This is the essence of non-attachment, non-doing, just being. I will unravel this delicious thought more in a following post, but to let what is just be, and to truly be comfortable with that, is a gift. This is something I have experienced many times before, but when you forget, you just forget. Having my guides near to me and having delivered this wonderfully calming information has given me the sense of purpose and clarity I was really seeking and didn’t even know was missing. For this one thing I am the most grateful; to be content with the unfolding of my life rather than trying to make it happen. Love exists when you let go of all the effort and playfully participate in creation.

Wishing everyone the experience of such contentment and calm knowing. Life is a present to be unwrapped slowly.

The wandering monk, wandering hand in hand.

I will more formally announce my upcoming offer to work with others in a clear and distinct way, but for questions or contact information about others who do this work currently you can privately contact me if interested.

Wrapping Up One Year Of Travel and Learning

Posted on August 22, 2014 by japanesecrouton

I find myself where I started one year ago. Looking at the same Kansas City skyline that I left after selling everything I own and heading out into the world. The view may be the same, but I have changed and along with it my interpretation of even that skyline. I touched down in 11 countries, made countless friends, deepened my understanding about myself, and learned lessons that will shape the course of my life. My understanding has shifted and thus I view the world differently, yet, I am still uniquely myself. This is perhaps the great conundrum that all world travelers experience. We go out and are literally changed by our experiences, see everything differently, and still the essence of who we are remains. You can come to a deeper understanding and acceptance of that essence, but no experience is going to just up and change you into a different person. I always thought there was going to be something out there that would flip a switch and I could become that person I envisioned inside my head with all the perfectness. The truth is much simpler, you are already that perfect person and only our thoughts and beliefs hold us back from breaking our boundaries and living the life we wish.

*Iceland was by far the most beautiful place I visited and will be visiting again.

This was a year to find myself again. I didn’t know that I even needed finding, but when faced with daily experiences of discovering your authentic self, it becomes clear exactly what you don’t know about yourself. Meditation was a prime focus of this travel and I spent 10 silent days in a Vipassana retreat, twice, and 4 months in India with the teachings of the enlightened mystic Osho. If I can boil all the meditation down, it would be enjoy your life every moment, celebrate, be present and alive no matter how you think you feel, learn to live with your inner silence and uncomfortable feelings moment to moment without running away. The essence of all the teachings is actually the practice in reaching that state of being, and then learning to live there. When you can stand in the place of silence and just look at yourself, you can see a body having experiences and thinking thoughts and still that isnt You. Then it becomes perfectly okay to have experiences and not cover them up or distract yourself from them. They come and go and still you remain just a step outside of it all; happy and aware.

*Traveled the Swiss Alps by scenic train

I came home to an exciting burst of energy, seeing old friends and making new ones, wedding events, and family time, but what surprised me most was the lack of reverse culture shock. Unlike going to a new culture and being surprised by the differences, reverse culture shock is returning home to find that the world you thought you knew looks very alien. Instead, on this trip I’ve had a reverse personality shock. I don’t know where I belong anymore or what I should be doing. There is no home or job to anchor me, no meditation practice or community other than my friends, so I find myself in a city I’ve lived in for over 4 years and have no idea what defines me anymore. I attend the same events during the week with the same people I knew, but somehow this shows me most how this last year has changed me. I am looking for my place in the world and I know I can never settle for something less than what I’ve experienced. At the moment that is the delight of living in a meditation community, which I plan to return to before the year is over. In some ways it seems like I haven’t achieved much, because there is nothing to grab onto, but really the differences are all on the inside and those are the ones that really matter. Upon returning to Kansas City, everything here has moved along at its normal pace, but it is no longer my home. I see clearly there is nowhere to go back to, only forward, to find the right place and way for me to live. After all this traveling, and traveling I am certain to do in the years to come, I am even more dedicated to finding my place and developing something amazing.

*Climbed mountains in Germany, and could see the surrounding countries

What strikes me most about the changes in my life is the difference between what I have to call normal life and the new way of living that I’ve experienced. Normal life is perhaps the daily routine of waking, eating, doing the daily work or effort required of one, participating in your hobbies and entertainments, and just the general things that make up life on this planet. Almost everyone lives their variation of this pattern that hopefully brings them great contentment. I used to be content and fulfilled by my normal life, waking most mornings glad to be alive and even excited to just have a cup of tea, embrace the day, and take a morning walk before going to work. Somewhere on this journey that changed; no longer having a home I wasn’t in my groove doing those simple things that brought me great pleasure and contentment. I have and enjoy even more simple pleasures while traveling, but no routine that brings me joy. Even now, still living a life of ease, I am missing that feeling which embraced me each day. To the best of my understanding this is the result of not having or being challenged and missing my connection to something greater than myself. Without a goal to work on, such as a job or project I care about, there is no push to grow, to learn and better myself each day. Likewise I find that without my daily personal development or global development of community and the bettering of humanity, I equally am not challenged to grow. I found a bigger expression of myself in Inida that required of me to participate with all of the people involved there. Before I could go about my day alone and was content unto myself, but once this experience of community and connection was established, going back to something less just doesn’t give me enough anymore. This is why I want to return to India so much, to grow and feed myself in this area. Then it is my hope to be able to expand this experience and grow it into my own dream of living a connected life. All human beings I think hunger in some way for this connection and we are just waking up to the fact that with our new societal development we have forgotten for a time what real connection is and the joy that comes with it.

10172848_10100172491881971_3680863747249929408_n

*Meeting beloved Osho friends in their home countries, Norway

Hindsight is a wonderful teacher, which today teaches me that the simplest decisions and the reasons for making them can change your whole world. In essence I made a simple decision in India and I am living the consequences today. One month prior to leaving the Pune Meditation Resort, I agreed to join my friends for a month in Dharamshala. This created “The Plan”, which after Dharamshala would take me to Germany for two months with a good friend of mine, then two weeks travel in Northern Europe. All of the plan was decided in roughly one moment and when the actual moment to follow the plan or change it came, I just stuck with the plan. In that moment of decision, at the end of my three months in Pune, not only was everyone and every experience telling me I should stay, my own inner voice and gut feeling was that I should stay. For fear of changing the plan and following my heart, which would have cost me money on plane tickets and a prepaid meditation program, plus the gut wrenching feeling of bailing on my friends and partner last minute, I ignored how I was feeling and followed a decision I made a month prior. Had those other considerations not been present, the decision would have been easy, but the lesson was, can I follow my inner truth when it is going to cost me something? The answer at that time was obviously no, but now looking back over what unfolded I wont make that same decision twice. Following your energy and power is so important because it leads you to the right places and experiences that you can thrive in. When I said no to that inner voice, I lost my power and over the following three months ran dry, and life eventually became a little flat. I still enjoyed the experiences that I had, but I could have really enjoyed them with my energy intact. It is so clear to me that I was afraid to do what was best for me and energetically I paid the price. So I am headed back to Pune and I am moving away from plans, and if I do end up with a plan, I will trust that I can change it in a heartbeat without fear. I have given myself the freedom and time to honor what I feel and follow that direction. Everyone can look at their life right now and see places where they avoid what they really want. I am asking everyone to start doing what you really want, even in small ways, because the alternative feels pretty flat, pretty lifeless, and once you are there, getting back to ecstatic takes some work and effort.

*First sun seen in Iceland after two days of rain which setup my favorite day of the year

I’ve concluded there are two types of travel experiences, loosely called 1st world and 3rd world because that is where they occur. A 1st world experience is generally Europe, organized, clean, expensive, historical beauty in buildings, and whatever experience you wish for generally is going to cost you money, from entertainment to food. A 3rd world experience is generally a bit messy, cheap, naturally beautiful, and the thought of money barely crosses your mind. Both are equally wonderful experiences, but the difference between them is vast and gets right to the core of expectations for levels of comfort and the psychological effects of money. For those with a more limited budget for travel, they find their dollars stretching farther outside of the 1st world countries and from their perspective perhaps live in a level of comfort unaccustomed. This can be a huge psychological experience, because for the first time you are allowed the freedom to experience all that you wish. If you want to eat this and that, taxi here and there, buy gifts and clothes, it doesn’t cost you mental anguish to add up the costs and then balance that against how much work you have to do to pay for it. You might for the first time experience money as an energy source, instead of a commodity, and using it like any other energy source for the betterment of your life experience. Likewise, traveling where your dollar goes for less, has you scrambling for the cheapest options, making sandwiches at home just so you can spend another day in the 1st world experience. Both are needed to understand the effect money plays on our perception of happiness in doing the things we want in life. Personally I like a mix of both experiences, but prefer on the whole the relaxed attitude of 3rd world living, with beautiful surroundings and no stress about money. There is just as much culture, and many more smiles while interacting with the locals, and when you train your eye on how locals get by each day with so few material resources, but so much happiness, you can really experience the freedom of money and learn to enjoy every day in a new way.

*The best apple pie in Amsterdam, a new favorite city of mine

While traveling with a lot of free time, you can always find something to do, but just being present with yourself is a wonderful gift. On the many trains, planes, and waiting rooms I found that I wasn’t putting in my headphones for music right away or checking Facebook. I would just sit and be patient and enjoy my own presence; not needing something to do or a distraction just to “kill some time”, instead enjoying just being alive in that moment of waiting. The interesting thing is the correlation between how present you are and the urge for distraction. I notice most acutely when the time to meditate arises and some urge also arises to check anything on my phone for any distraction. Why this postponement? A surge of anxiety arises over being present with myself as if the ego knows its being removed from its throne. It is a battle with my mind each time, and the more present I am, the easier it is to take a few moments and reach that place of joyous centeredness. The paradox is that meditation brings the real joy, but the hurdle is to forgo the distractions and entertainments that falsely promise happiness to simply reach it. Upon reaching that presence, you can enjoy those distractions even more so, if you choose, because you come from the place of presence and not of using the distractions to cover some feeling of emotion. Vipassana taught me that when we desire something, it usually isnt the object itself, but we desire the sensation of desiring itself, and we think the object will bring it to us. So when a feeling arises we chase after the externalization of that feeling to satiate it instead of seeing the truth of just being with the feeling and seeing it for what it is. This is the hurdle to doing almost anything in life, be it meditation or going to the gym. So more than anything, I’ve learned when this feeling of not wanting to meditate exists, I am overdue to sit down, meditate and reach my calm once again to see the world clearly. There will always be a multitude of interesting and entertaining things vying for your attention, but it fundamentally comes down to how do you wish to spend your time on this earth? Once you taste the beauty of your inner world, any worldly distractions begin to pale in comparison to really living life. Just like cutting sugar out of your diet leads to everything else tasting incredibly delicious, removing these other distractions leaves you with more time and space to enjoy your own delicious presence of being.

*Meditative dancing in India, also used for a promotional photo seen by thousands of people, which surprised me

I have had to remember this myself after leaving India. After a daily schedule of meditation, going back to doing it all on your own takes some serious discipline. Traveling once again brought many distractions and riding that excitement I left my meditation practice a bit behind. This led to a bit of confusion and feeling lost in my direction of life which is one of my biggest challenges. As I find myself a bit of a fish out of water, I have to trust that I always carry the keys to my own happiness and they are but a few silent moments away from being with myself. It is a lifelong practice to be who you are and do what you love. Finding out what really excites you is the first half, then learning how to live that life each day is the rest of the task. The more truth we can experience about what really speaks to our hearts, what really lights up our faces, and makes us jump for joy, the closer we are to living a meditative lifestyle. I hope everyone has found at least one thing that has that flavor for them, because once you know the taste, there is no going back to a bland life. Blessings and joy to everyone on their journey and may all beings be happy.

Torey

The Wandering Monk

A special thank you to everyone who hosted me in their homes, couches, hearts, and lives. Without your support and encouragement I never would have had the year I did and all of the new experiences. I love you all and it still brings tears to my eyes remembering what it feels like to be so taken care of instead of the other way around.

10292140_10100147716586861_6538533144586829755_n

*Being silly with my best friend Tate in Germany, “Up all night to pet puppies!”

10426921_10100172492356021_4767934700414932825_n

*Amsterdam round two with friends this time

*Met Mo and David on my first workaway experience in France, a new beloved mentor

*Seeing good friends and new loves in Belgium! Plus waffles and frites

10352557_10100168889301571_8980106895438509581_n

*Our beloved cheese master who treated us like family and introduced me to my new favorite cheeses, bare kase from Switzerland

*Went under the knife of brave friends in Switzerland when my hair got unruly

*Explored the beautiful canals of Venice, and checked off the first part of Eat, Pray, Love

10177435_10100144038717341_8551906736441433225_n

*Visited the Taj Mahal at the end of India, and another check for Eat, Pray, Love

10406955_10100170838470421_2633856899521643109_n

*Jumped into the freezing waters of Norway!

India, The Meditation Experience

Posted on July 16, 2014 by japanesecrouton

Welcome to Travels in India: Meditation and the Crazy Enlightened Mystic, Osho

If you are going to learn one thing at the OSHO International Meditation Resort, it is going to be dancing. Wild, ecstatic, flowing, celebrating, at all hours of the day, dancing is happening, begging for your participation. The lesson here being, if you can celebrate life and dance, then you are alive in the moment. Most dynamic meditations here contain some form of dancing and the highlight of the day, evening meeting, begins and ends with dancing. Osho created these meditations to help people create space between the body/mind and your watcher, otherwise known as your intrinsic Buddha. With this space, one may experience their authentic nature, of silence, happiness, and being centered. One does not need to go anywhere, only turning in, realizing your own self, taking just one step and you are there. We practice the art of living, to see our habit patterns and how to live with our watcher intact. This creates the gap, the experiential wisdom of knowing you are not the body or the mind, and thus transformation, inspiration, and all sorts of emotions can come forth and leave you feeling peaceful, happy, and above all else, alive.

I jumped into resort life with both feet, 8 months prior to arriving, when I decided this was the decision that would help me quit my job and give me the next step. I had no idea what really went on here, and I wanted no information either. To come with the least amount of expectations so that I could experience what is, instead of what I wanted it to be in my mind. The first hurdle for my self transformation was actually getting the desire to go to India. My fears of this famous country, known for meditation, always held me back, but they were unfounded. There is extreme poverty and trash everywhere, but also beautiful landscapes, perfect temperatures, many smiles and friendly people. I decided to join the Work as Meditation program for 90 days and just give it the best go. I work for 6 hours a day to receive a lowered price at the resort and be part of the staff. Like everyone else here, visitor, worker, and teacher alike, we all pay to be present and experience the magic of this place. This was the first hurdle for my western mind, I am paying to work. I can rationalize it, knowing I also get to live at a resort and meditate the rest of my day, but money, money, money were my thoughts. Of course this is part of the work as meditation purpose, to watch your mind, and my mind couldn’t stop calculating prices and value. For the first days I was plagued with these kinds of thoughts, trying to turn this beautiful experience into dollars per hour. In the end, relaxing into the daily life of work and meditation healed me of all these woes and the real priceless value came shining through.

The greatest realization I’ve had during my visit here is what living in a community of meditators feels like. Beforehand, I didn’t even realize that I would be practicing part of my future way of life while being here, and what ive found confirms my beliefs: This is the lifestyle for me. Unlike daily life in the modern world, everyone here understands the basic principal on which we all operate. It matters not where you come from, what you believe, or even what you know; everyone understands that we are all developing ourselves. If you are having an expressive joyous day, someone is there to support and join you. If you are having a silent day and really working on something personal, everyone allows you your space to discover yourself. It is a unique experience to know who is here, but never know if and how you can interact with them each day. Perhaps you had plans for lunch, but you find your friends are all wearing silence badges on that day without telling you. You really learn to focus on yourself, on being total in expressing yourself and your desires, moment to moment. Every day brings something new and you practice not planning for the future or some daily habit pattern. Even though I work 6 hours a day, I can’t tell you with any certainty what the day will bring me. Often I am roped into something fun, there is a taster class to attend, lunch with different people, and the best part is that I never know how I will feel when I wake up, but whatever that feeling is, I have all day to fully express it, because tomorrow it will change. There have been days of laughter and days of silence, days of peaceful awareness and days of rushed anxiety. Learning to really embrace whatever shows up, in work, in friendship, in community, and in your heart is the root of the biggest realization here. I know now that living in this way, from moment to moment with a group of people who all desire at the basic level to develop themselves is the answer to what I am looking for in a lifestyle.

The next major realization is the new meditation techniques I have been practicing here. Having done mainly silent sitting meditations over the last 2 years, I was in for a shock at the OSHO Resort. Osho created many meditations and meditative therapies, but the 3 daily core meditations are Dynamic*, Kundalini**, and Evening meeting***. I had just finished a 10 day silent Vipassana course before arriving here and I couldn’t have prepared for a more abrupt 180 degree turn. The meditations here are designed to do what Vipassana does slowly and with awareness, abruptly and directly. What I learned and discovered is that both techniques use one basic principal: The body sensations and the sub-conscious mind are linked. If you feel something coming up from the sub-conscious you will feel it in your body, and if you feel something on your body it will go into your subconscious. This is called the bodymind, which is one thing, not two separate things. This explains the celebratory dancing here. If your dance is a celebration, your inner being becomes a celebration. Dance when you don’t feel like it. Smile when you don’t feel like it. This will change your inner being. I stopped a 2 year practice of daily silent sitting to see what being total in this experience could give me. What I found is that the meditations which often look like exercise or wild dancing, if you peek from your blindfold, are actually deeply working processes transforming the inner world. Learning to express yourself in Dynamic though wild catharsis, starts to break down the walls of suppression in a quick and real way that transforms many people instantly. I feel that if I have learned one thing in the physical realm it is how to express myself better. This doesn’t mean just through my words, this means expressing my authentic inner self in all dimensions. If anger is there, if happiness is there, sadness, laughter, joy, tears, anxiety is there, express it, look at it, examine it, but just don’t suppress it. So often in our society we learn from childhood to present ourselves in a certain way, to create a personality. We are not allowed to yell at other people and then be friends again the next moment; or to laugh or cry when we feel the urge, but society deems it inappropriate. The need to express is still very real, but we just tuck it away for later. But later never comes and years later you find yourself a mess of confusion and emotions with no exit valve. This whole experience is learning your natural exhaust valve and how to come back to your authentic self. To see your conditioning given to you by society and family and choose consciously what you want to carry and what you want to drop. I struggled at first with dropping my silence, and habit pattern for the last 2 years, but quickly learned that I didn’t know how to really express my true emotions. Silence is fantastic, but it needs to be balanced against emotional aliveness. Osho taught a mixture of “Zorba the Buddha”. Zorba the Greek knew how to enjoy the pleasures of life, and Buddha knew how to enjoy the silence of your eternal centeredness. Osho teaches that both are incomplete, both need each other in one being, that is the whole Man/Woman.

The next realizations are all a mix of personal work done though the lens of being at a Meditation Retreat. Every day is a day to work on yourself; every moment and interaction is a time to develop yourself. As long as you keep looking back at yourself and embracing any uncomfortable feelings, progress is astounding. At first I started manifesting connections to people, to make some friends and have conversations around meditation. As I found my first friends and began feeling very comfortable and available to open myself, I then decided to manifest more experiences containing flirting. I had been in a state of introverted silence so long that to think about flirting with anyone, was something I actually needed to work on. I didn’t want anything other than fun, playful, cute, and connected flirting and for this reason the manifestation was fully welcomed and explored. All the cute ladies, older women, and male friends flocked to my new desire instantly and hugs and kisses abounded. To feel loved every time you encounter someone just makes your day. The quality of flirting with people and life itself is such a beautiful experience that to carry this quality of aliveness with you is a blessing and a gift. Then New Years arrived and things changed. While I was holding my energy and desire clearly, the effect on others was not so contained. So from my fears of moving into a sexual relationship, a wonderful Chinese girl by the name of Sangeetam became my partner. We moved seamlessly into relationship as if this had been arranged. It had been a long standing intention to manifest a partner in which to grow meditatively and lovingly. I knew something was arranged for me at the OSHO Resort, and I can clearly say this was it. We met with the same kinds of knowing about meditation and relationships, understanding we are both here to work on ourselves and see how we can develop. The precipice of our bond was not physical attraction, but the calm knowing of two quiet souls meeting and knowing this was not the first time. What came next was an expedition into the fears I hold around relationship, boundaries, responsibility, and most importantly opening to love.

Ah, relationships, I can’t even say I know what I am doing because I don’t. Generally my relationships last a few months with wonderful growth which then leaves someone behind who didn’t continue to grow fast enough. As I’ve gotten older, navigating the entry and exit has become much smoother with both people knowing our purpose was completed. However, my knowing of love is only from what the masters have said on the subject. That you can only love yourself, and when that becomes enough you overflow into the world and can shower it on another. I know this to be true, because when I am in flow with the universe it is a state of grace that I can hold for myself and share with others. To be honest, i have never felt that I’ve known love growing up. I look at other relationships and I see what society tells me should be love and know that this has not been my experience. I am working on opening my emotional body and heart because I didn’t know how to be open, and thus, never could give myself totally. I could act totally, and DO things for the other that looked like what society told everyone lovers should do, but actually feeling it? I can’t say that except for a few moments in my life, I’ve felt the totality of LOVE. Love, which is this overwhelming merging of being one with the universe so totally that you forget yourself and know instantly that all is one, life is perfect and then you shower that bliss of existence on all. I have been plenty good and happy with people, even overcome with great joy and caring. I have even felt that something special you reserve for your intimate lover, but this actual truth of Love that the masters speak about, I have to admit I don’t know it, and ive never been shown it. In knowing that fact, I can at least now invite the experience to come to me as a realization and a breakthrough. As I work on myself, clearing the old debris of fear, I am making way for love to come through me and to experience whatever shows up.

From my moment to moment perspective this seems to be the major work for me here. Nothing else seems quite so hard, quite so big, or quite so rewarding. I have opened myself to a mixture of meditation and celebration, that was needed, but the deep work of opening my heart will be the greatest gift I can give myself here. Being in a relationship I have been given the perfect opportunity and partner to show me my weaknesses and also support me through my rapid growth in this area. I can clearly see the fears in my mind and instead of putting them aside and letting the relationship ultimately suffer and die, I face the uncomfortable feelings and embrace the work of changing and facing my fears and old patterns. I have seen clearly now that I have never let anyone into my emotional world before. This is partly because I don’t know how to go there myself and partly because ive been lied to and kept that lie as the truth. Due to my upbringing I never experienced what the energy of a relationship between two people really feels like. My parents divorced when I was 6 and this began a subconscious learning process of individuation that just happened to be for this lifetime. No blame to be dealt, everyone grows up in certain conditions, whether from family or society that we don’t get to control, but we do get to choose if we wish to carry it once we become conscious of the patterns. I am aware that my relationship patterning was flawed, only seeing separation and becoming an island unto myself. I kept expressing the same lie of separation over and over again, telling myself that this is just how I am and my authentic emotional connection to people was just missing. Well, now thanks to this patient and strong woman, I can look at that patterning and instead of accepting this pattern as my natural way of being, I can drop it and see what lives underneath. As I keep stirring the pot each morning in dynamic, I can feel the layers peeling off. What is beginning to shine through feels so big, so exciting, so much needed, and I am ready to welcome whatever it is. I am beginning to feel into my heart space, I am becoming softer, and while I am nowhere near the end, I have at least started the process of something I have long questioned and long desired.

I have been hugely aided in this endeavor of self realization. Firstly, the energy of this place pushes personal growth forward at an accelerated pace. The encounters with other meditators and adhering to a daily schedule of meditation aids in the quick pace of self realization. In my own energy work, I’ve begun to work with some masters by accessing a place called the Akashic Records. This can be thought of as a giant book of everything ever done from every lifetime. In a sense it is very much like collective consciousness. In this way I have called upon the energies of Osho and Rumi, along with other masters as I see the need, and have access to their essence and energy which still exists in a very tangible way for me and the universe. Having opened their essence, they are with me through this work and Rumi is teaching me how to be transformed by love, while OSHO is working with me to realize and clear the layers of fear and conditioning that are not part of my authentic being. In conjunction with this I have set a new intention for my daily experience, “I intend to constantly bring realizations and new understandings to myself”. I had a realization that I cannot manifest or intend an experience I have never known into my reality. For instance I cannot intend the experience of enlightenment to show up tomorrow, because I don’t know what the experience is like; therefore when I ask for it, I really don’t know what I am asking for. However I do know what the experience of instant realization or insight feels like. This I can totally ask for, and since I have been asking for it, realizations have started showing up every day. In this way I can reach enlightenment or many other things on the way as I progress from the known into the unknown. So working from these three angles, this meditative environment, the wisdom and energy of the Masters, and my intention for instant realization I am reaching a new level of self development that is astonishing. It is exciting to look at yourself and realize all of a sudden that whole aspects of your self have been hidden and with a little work the door can be opened for discovery. It is an exciting time to be a meditator.

Thankfully during my visit to the resort I was able to meet and touch the lives of many people visiting from over 100 different nations. Every type of person from around the world and with many different backgrounds and stories arrived each day to try this wild place and experience first hand the crazy genius of Osho. I would love to recommend a visit to every person I meet, but the truth is that there are many pathways to the divine and I only urge each person to find what works for them. Keep a burning desire to find your truth and discovering the path is inevitable. I have been transformed by this place and my experiences over the last three months. Thankfully I am also happy to call this place and the people here my home. I will be back many times and soon, because having tasted once again the daily lifestyle of the old routine, living in a city and just going about ones daily business, I can clearly say that I would rather not waste another moment being outside of the delicious process of developing oneself surrounded by the most astounding people and environment that one can call home. A truth has been learned and can never be forgotten. I thrive in an environment of conscious meditators and now starts the long road of developing a sustainable lifestyle that enjoys this connection as its core. Blessings and happiness to all beings and may you find your own light that never falters.

In Love and Truth,

Torey, the Wandering Monk

*I got to be the official photographer for a while!

www.osho.com

*Dynamic Meditation: 1 Hour, 5 Stages

Stage 1: 10 Mins: Deep, chaotic exhaling breaths, building energy. Stage 2: 10 Mins: Explode! let your body and emotions take over and express anything that you feel. Sing, shout, dance, cry, roll around anything that you feel. Stage 3: 10 Mins: Jump up and down with arms raised overhead shouting “Hoo” each time your feet strike the ground. Stage 4: 15 Mins: Freeze! Dont make any conscious movement. Witness your inner world. Stage 5: 15 Mins: Dance. Express anything that is left and carry your aliveness with you for the rest of the day.

**Kundalini Meditation: 1 Hour, 4 Stages

Stage 1: 15 Mins: Shake. Allow your body to vibrate and shake with the energy coming up from your feet. Allow this natural shaking to occur, dont DO anything. Stage 2: 15 Mins: Dance. Allow your body to dance and move anyway it feels. Dont Do any particular dancing. Stage 3: 15 mins: Stand or sit silently and just watch your inner world. Stage 4: 15 Mins: Lie down and let go. Maintain awareness, but dont do anything, just allow.

**Evening Meeting: Various time, roughly 2 hours, 6 Stages

Stage 1: 20 Mins: Dance by yourself and celebrate life. Stage 2: 1 hour +: Listen to a discourse from Osho. Listen to the gaps between the words, not the words themselves. Anything you need to hear you will pick up on. Stage 3: 5 Mins: Laughter. Osho will tell some jokes, enjoy! Stage 4: 2 Mins: Gibberish. Speak in a language you dont know to clear your mind of rubbish. Stage 5: 10 Mins: Let go. Osho will guide you deeper into yourself to find your buddha. At one point you will “Let go” and fall over dead like a tree falling in the woods. Stage 6: 3-5 Mins: Dance and celebrate being alive.

India: A way of life

Posted on May 2, 2014 by japanesecrouton

As I enjoy wonderful first world amenities aboard Turkish airlines I find it interesting to ponder what awaits me in India. Out of the window, as we fly around the Middle East no fly zone, I can see the oil refinery fires lighting up huge tracts of open land with their glowing magnificence. Someone too has a green laser pointer and is targeting our plane. An ominous thought crosses my mind for a moment, but then remember how fun laser pointers are.
.

I arrive in India without much incident going through the normal airport checks and duties. The immigration officer forgets to stamp my passport, but begrudgingly fixes his mistake. I negotiate my first haggling of a taxi when my new friend tries to get me a whole 6 person for myself which is beyond expensive. I locate a normal taxi man for all I can tell and still get taken for a ride, but what a great ride. I am in a shoddy little metal box and driving through the amazing traffic of Mumbai. India is just what I expected of a third world country and my fears dissipate. I need to learn the ropes, but today I have only one task. Ride my first day high all the way to Pune where I will reside for 3 months and figure it out. So I don’t mind when I overpay for my taxi, or when it breaks down 5 minutes later. I am smiling and enjoying it all. His friend picks us up and takes me not to my desired destination, but a bus station to Pune. The price for the bus is correct, but now I super overpaid for my taxi to a far away destination, but oh well. He asks for a 50 in tip and I just have to laugh at India. I’ll get my chops quick enough and I’ll enjoy doing it. Meditating on letting go of the few dollars wasted I realize that all my desired experiences have occurred and I must thank the universe. Above all else I wanted to easily, quickly, and with great joy secure passage to Pune. Well accomplished indeed. I’ll manifest cheap later. For now I am intact and on my way to Pune for 4 hours. Within my first day I will discover just about all I need to understand India.

There is trash everywhere and while it assaults my mental concepts of aesthetic beauty, I find it almost to be more honest. The world is full of trash, more being made each day, whose fate will be the same. At least the Indians have the truth staring them in the face and are resolved to its presence. Perhaps this “in your face” approach would spur western public opinion to consider more our mass produced and disposable way of life more critically. We can keep putting it out of sight, but it still remains. This leads to the first realization, that the east has put more emphasis on developing the inner world than the outer beauty. Each person is very friendly and has a peace about their life that isn’t found in the west despite all our outer appearances.

Layers of beliefs are shedding as they come to the surface. Are these people suffering? What is daily life, work, the point to anyone here? I know nothing, but looking at anyone they seem to be in their place, doing whatever they are doing and not resigned with an air of defeat at their fate, but rather embrace it as life. I struggle with my conceptions to place this way of being. What drives it? Is it even real or an outsiders quick understanding? To sell chips and chai on busses all day, can one really enjoy that life? I look around at life and it’s multifaceted functioning and the beautiful mess of it all. I see people totally fine with the way the world is here. I was told to not try to change India, but embrace it and that’s the approach I’m taking. I look at the world and remember this isn’t the world. This is what man has made, the world is nature. So to ask myself the question of “could I find contentment in this system?” This question shows that we forget that this system is a choice and the natural world still exists. I don’t have to choose between this society and that society. I am choosing to live life rebelliously and choose something different and authentic to myself.

The Indian head wobble is a very amazing and astoundingly confusing motion to a western mind. As they stand there shaking their head no, they are completely agreeing with you. You know they are saying yes, but still the conditioning of a yes being a forward nod, instead of a side to side no, is hard to let go. You also learn right away that if they don’t know what you just asked, the answer is always “yes, yes”.

Is this food vegan?
Yes yes.
So does it have any milk in it?
Oh Yes! (This is India you idiot)

I remind my friends that they probably have no idea what the word vegan is. So everyone learns to ask simpler questions if they really need to know something. Everyones english goes down a degree, because less is more and you just want to get the meaning across.

Begging is a profession here. It seems a necessity as well for many people, whom have horrendous injuries or missing and twisted limbs. There is the magic show men who have a special flower that opens at your touch. There are the maimed and old sitting in the street. There are the street venders selling all manor of things that seem useless to me. There are the thin ladies who all look the same, carrying a small child in their arms, miming the movement for food or grabbing onto your shawl. Forever conditioning their young to be beggars their whole lives as well.

*credit Nicholas Powel & Adriana Le Blan
There is another group of beggars, that includes the various animals that share the streets. Along with the packs of dogs and holy cows eating the daily garbage, i’ve seen camels, horses, donkeys, cats, rats, elephants, and monkeys moving through traffic and stealing oranges from street venders who don’t have a keen eye. Its quite a zoo at times, but always interesting. However, you do always need to watch where you are walking as there are no zoo keepers cleaning this cage.

Then there are the countless little shops everywhere that all sell about the same things every block. There are also people selling fruit and vegetables on the street every block it seems. How can this system work? Who goes to these people to buy their oranges? I suddenly realize this is decentralization. In the west we travel many miles to visit a supermarket to buy all our foods and items; by a reputable source and as far as we can tell. In India, you have to walk no more than a few feet and most of what you need is there. Today its this man with oranges, and tomorrow it may be someone else with papaya. You go into the little shop and perhaps they have 1 of the item you want, and like mothers pantry will fill it again with what seems like odds and ends when they get around to it. Surprisingly, I find everything I need easily and so does everyone else, otherwise this system wouldn’t work. The ideas of east and west are so different, I am sure when I step into a western supermarket for the first time, I will be appalled once again at how many useless things there are in 10 slightly different variations all competing for your attention and money. This decentralization is also the reason that you may leave a bus station heading toward a major city, only to be dropped off at an out of the way parking lot with hoards of taxi drivers jumping for your business. Everything from fruit and household goods to finding taxi drivers is setup to support hundreds of middle men all making their daily wage.

Then there is the haggling of course. Most things are negotiable except for items with the price stamped on them. Rickshaws charge the day price and the night price. Anything you want is always marked up for the unknowing person to overpay. Somedays you just don’t feel like fighting the whole system and just want to know the damn price so you can plan your life and shopping. If you don’t know what number to fight over, you feel so lost and wonder if your number is insulting or just part of the game. Walking away instantly drops the price, but even then you never know what bottom dollar is. I figure out the prices for rickshaw rides without ever turning on a meter, and once I know that, I know exactly how much to haggle and stick to my prices when someone wants to charge too much. This makes life easy and fun. Give me a few ground rules and then ill have a good time.

I can say without a doubt that India teaches you how to live life. Life goes on and with a few social skills you can achieve just about anything. From housing and transportation to food and entertainment, while having some good laughs in between, India is an experience in what constitutes daily life without all the gloss and glam covering the person to person interaction that turns the world one more day. It may look very different (and smell very different), but India is a unique experience in the world and despite all my fears before arriving I have found the ground beneath my feet and everyone can learn to stand up here. Blessings to everyone on their journey.

Japanesecrouton